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Monday, December 26, 2011

I am a Fraud..Yep:)


So with it being the end of the year and all, i thought it best to cleanse my soul, bust some myths about me and correct some assumptions:) Yup confession time...so pre warned....brace urself, this piece will shatter your opinion about me ..... r u ready.... oh ur hmm k:P

Some people have the mistaken impression that I am an intellectual, highly read person....ahemmmm....I love my steamy romances and fast paced mystery books....no philosophy or heavy reading...honestly they put me to sleep. I am not highly educated as far as traditional education...just a Bachelors... in fact the first time I ever saw a sign of respect in anyone's eyes when I mentioned I had a Bachelor's was here in the US...In India I would be looked down upon.... not that I care:)

I am strong:) Well emotionally that is, physically it would be funny as I weigh in less than 100 pounds and all of 5ft 4....but even e being strong emotionally is not true..... I am terrified hmmm actually no am petrified at what my future holds as far as my health is concerned....and if by now you do not know that I have been diagnosed with Parkinson's at the age of 36 in 2004, where the heck have u been....I have been whining about that forever...Maybe I am a master at denial.... that is it...

Unselfish.... yea that I am not, ...ask my hubby and he will laugh you out of town...He has known me for twenty plus years and says I am very selfish so...maybe he is right? Yes I am selfish, when it comes to food:P Yup food....love to eat, and esp chocolates or desserts....I have a very strict no sharing policy and have no shame or hesitation in admitting it... Yes I am selfish as I love to get compliments, accolades, appreciation...yup I do....

Another thing people think when they see me is that I am very confident and modern and and that I can do whatever I want....uh wroonggg....I have my share of insecurities, my failures, lotsa weak points, may look modern but at heart a lil old fashioned and traditional, like simple things in life and am basically low maintenance:) I did term yself an emotional doormat which I was...but am learning now....

Ok so what am I.... I am at heart, a simple traditional gal, with an open mind, non judgemental, believe in human goodness, am talkative, loyal, beautiful inside and out, friendly, narcissisist, geek, love to learn new things, like to keep myself busy, am more happier working outside the house rather than inside the house.  I thrive on interaction, love my gadgets, am delighted when given a bunch of wires and trying to connect them, am passionate, stubborn uh actually letme rephrase strong willed, like to laugh at me and at the world:) And yup not modest cos here is what I believe

Am confident of who i am, know most of my faults and strengths, cannot stand artificial people, honestly, I wud not know how to respond...

Am a straight shooter...with me usually I will tell u exactly what is on my mind..gud, bad or ugly....

Oh yea am a sentimental fool and very sensitive too....

You know we all want to hide our selves, our fears, our insecurities, our vulnerabilities, for fear of being manipulated. People go to a lot of effort to hide their true face from the world....and tell me very often....why are u baring your heart, why are u sharing your pain with Parkinson's...do u think people care?

And there in lies the biggest myth of all...I share not for others but for me, for my sake....I am a sharer and it helps me feel better to share....

So there you have it Sutapa Unplugged:))

Monday, November 28, 2011

Zindagi...Life


(My first attempt to write in Hindi) 

zindagi bus kuch pal ke liye hoti hai
lekin hum woh bhi gam main gawah dete hai
kyu na hum khush rahe apni duniya main
apni choti choti khushiyan ko leke 
aur apni gham ko bhula de
humare man main jo hai 
hum usse isehaar nahi karte
apna pyar, apna gam, apne dil ke baatein
hamesha dabaye rakthe hai
phir jab waqt nikal jaata hai tab
haami bharte hai
zindagi jeeyo aise jaise kal na ho
keh do apne dil ki baatein
kar do apna dil ko halka
aur jeeyo apni zindagi:)))

Life is but a few precious moments
yet we live our lives with gloomy thots
why can't we find happiness in those
small little nuances, those little gestures that
bring a smile to our hearts and joy to our souls

Let us focus on the smiles and wipe the tears
why do we keep our thoughts locked in our hearts
Emotions, are meant to be shared
joy and grief, happiness and sorrow, smiles and tears
Share them and lighten your heart
Share them and spread the joy

We keep out thoughts locked away
for fear of rejection, ridicule and disappointment
and then time passes by and the feelings remain
festering away at your soul
get them out, free the thoughts, share ur soul

Life is but a few precious moments
Life life fully, Live like there is no tomorrow
Smile and giggle, laugh and love.
Life is worth that and so much more:))
Sutapa

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I am HOT!!!

(Disclaimer before starting this....All views expressed here are mine and mine only, so help me lord:) Puns, double entendre, cliches, euphemisms may or may not be intended....that discretion rests solely with the reader depending on their perception...my thots are typed purely as they form in my convoluted brain and spewed forth:)

Yeah so where was I? Yeah I am HOT!!! Yup no doubt about it.....I literally give out heat:) How you may ask...A very simple trick, again many thanks to this condition called Parkinson's, I have learned the many amazing tricks my body can do.... all without my permission or without my say so....my various body parts decide to let off steam, send off electrical impulses, go on vibrate mode, or do a jiggly wiggly...especially the shins part of my leg, and then boy am I a mover shaker:)))

When I am in the mover shaker mode, sometimes it is either a part of my body or sometimes the whole body joins in for the fun, I am shaking so much, if I am sitting on a chair, the chair shakes, if I am laying on the bed, yup shake it up, or if someone is holding me trying to calm my body down, I move them too:)

Never knew my body knew so many tricks....as for my mind..ahem lets leave that be...So it is during these moments that I am hot, electrifying, and at the end of that episode, after my body decides to calm down, am sweaty and tired...yup i know... and then I wonder why I am tired huh....

Yeah baby I am hot:) Reminds me of this Hindi song..."Khambe jaisi khadi ho, bijli ho ya .....basically means full of sparks and spitfire....yup that is me:) Modest to the last breath:)





Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I Can Do it

while i lie down on the carpet
a quivering body
moving and yet not able to move 
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it

while i stumble, grumble 
and sway as my body has a mind of it s own
as i try to move forward
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it

Baby Baby baby all i need is u
and i can conquer the  world
I need  u to hold my hands and share my dreams
Tell me baby will you will you coz 
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it

while i sit in my chair
and my body vibrates 
beating a staccato of noise as my chaair vibrates tool
and my feet tap furiously on the table
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it

Baby Baby baby all i need is u
and i can conquer the  world
I need  u to hold my hands and share my dreams
Tell me baby will you will you coz 
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it

with you by my side
no mountain is too high
no oceam too wide
no cliff too steep
no ravine too deep
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it

Baby will you
cos i need u
i want u
i love u

Baby Baby baby all i need is u
and i can conquer the  world
I need  u to hold my hands and share my dreams
Tell me baby will you will you coz 
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it
all i need is ur love and arms to hold me
and i can do it




Thursday, October 20, 2011

Perks of having Parkinson's


Yup u read that right....Dealing with Parkinson's or PD since the last 7 years, I have realised that they are several perks...well benefits of having PD....

Drunken Walk.... Yup... Being a Parkie enables me to do the drunken sway, or walk, or stumble as the case may be, without imbibing even a drop of alchohol... and yeah no acting either:) 

Practice running...and learning the art of trying to find a clear path... You know when people see me stumble or fall, it is their natural instinct to come and hold me to help me walk, and when I brush them  off, they are bewildered.... well another joy of PD is that once u start ur walk, u better have a clear path to where u are going... and if I have to stop because of some obstacle then I freeze and sway and have to go through the process again....this is what I do.... I pull myself up, get on my knees, pull up and run like a sprinter. only thing is instead of running i do a really mean fast shuffle....my kids and family, now know to move away and leave a clear path for me:)

Electrifying...yup seriously one needs to learn and harness some of the electricity and heat we Parkies generate...when I am shaking sometimes...I am vibrating, and feel like there are electric impulses all over my body, and yeah heat as my body is working overtime

Shaken, Stirred and Frozen? Sounds like an oxymoron, rite? and no it is not a drink, al la Bond style.... but this is an amazing feat... where your body is shaking and jittery and a mass of movemen, but still u are frozen as in unable to move... even to roll over on the bed....  and no this trick, as far as i know is not taught anywhere...thank god!

Slurred soft, raspy, fast or low voice or speech.... Hmmm have always been a talkative kinda person, and a person who loves to be the center of attention, yea, I do, anyways have done radio for the longest time and have always been complimented on my voice, so now I can add to my repertoire of talents yup can do a lot of different things with my voice..jeez I am talented:)))

Contortionist....Oh yeah  Idid learn a few tricks .... when my eyes close shut, my voice slurs, my face contorts...well this might sometime look scary....so

Heady Cocktail...am in the high/twilight zone...Thanks to the heady cocktail of .... hmm na not drinks but the wonderful mind altering drugs that I get to take, whose list of side effects run to literally reams of pages, that when I look at it, technically I shud be puking my guts out, be dizzy, etc etc etc.... which makes me wonder...hmm is it really me out there or OMG god knows...>:)

And of course the ultimate in perks BOTOX.... See as I am special I have this condition which happens to only 5 % of YOPD (Young Onset of Parkinson's Disease) people which again happens to only a very small percentage again....what is that...well it effects my eyes...yup my eyes, droop close and refuse to open, and I literally am like a blind person as I have to pull apart my eyes to see.... well thank god there is a solution....BOTOX:) yup...though several time more potent than cosmetic botox and that many times more dangerous...but yea atleast it lets me see the world as  it turns:)  So I get to go every three months for lifelong to get my eyes injected...about 10 shots per eye..and yeah I have a deal with my doc...that I will get extra shots whenever wrinkles show up on my face...Shhhhhh our secret:)

So yup, I am the lucky, chosen, talented and yup as the docs shaking their heads say am Special:)))

Please do not envy me:)) I cannot take it LOLZ:)

Monday, October 10, 2011

Grin

Pain ebbs and flows, tears roll and dry, screams echo and fade, stiffness comes and goes, suffering rolls in and rolls out, panic smothers and clears, eyes blur and clear, reach inside my soul, to find my smiles, out it comes, bubbling and effervescent, lightens my heart, as it bursts through, tickles my throat, gurgles out, grins covering my face as I realize I have lived through another bout of pain, have survived another episode and get to live another day, to see the smiles on my baby's faces, to hold their hands, to bask in their embrace and I say thank u my lord for giving me another chance to smile and grin....

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Guilt...

Everpresent, searing, heartbreaking guilt, swoops on me unexpectedly, drowning me, inundating me, fear and insecurity combining to make it a potent cauldron of despair and anguish.

For me, a person who got my first paycheck in high school, from All India Radio (AIR), have vivid memories of how proud and important I felt as my dad took me to the bank to open an account in my name. The sum was for a paltry amount monetarily but priceless in value..

Then after I completed my 12th grade, I taught for a couple of months in an elementary school, before going on to undergraduate school....I remember riding my bike everyday and of coz after that experience teaching, I decided teaching was not for me...

I continued my broadcasting on All India Radio all through my junior college, degree college, and even after that...was the absolute best time of my life...

Right after my degree/undergrad...I started working...in the marketing department of a computer company, where I met my hubby, got married, then came to the US.

Within 15 days after arriving here in the US started working in a diner waiting on tables for almost two years till Anil, my hubby, who attended school full time and worked too to pay for school...Those were some interesting times....

Then followed internships in BDA PROMAX, a CBS TV station and ABC radio station....then worked for almost 10 years in corporate America...

U are wondering what does this have to do with my guilt....for a person who thrives on working outside the house, not the type t clean and dust, rather read or surf:)....

The feeeling of inadequacy, feeling like a failure on all fronts, professionally and personally, a failure in being a good mom, a good wife,a good supporter....the sheer frustration is immense.

My kids, bless their hearts, have always known me with Parkinson's...Rishu my oldest was 5 years old and Ranu was 2 when I was diagnosed with Parkinson's...

They instead of calling Ma, when they need something have gotten used to calling Baba cos they realise that my health is ifffy....there are times I am able to help them out, but most of the time, I am unable to my heart crying silent tears for my babies, thinking why shud they suffer, why shud those precious hearts not have their mom fully involved in their lives....I try my best but am betrayed by my body, my mind, my sheer fatigue, my inability to multi task as before.....

Guilt searing and cutting as I watch my husband dealing with things on his own, a time when we both shud be building our future, our lives for our family....i feel like an encumbrance, a spoke in the wheel, useless because I have always always always been working, and here I am festering, constantly living with the fear of losing my mind completely, my body betrays me already....

Guilt as I see my parents and in -laws getting old, and instead of me helping them and looking after them they put their lives on hold to come and look after me, and the family....WHy shud they go through the agony of seeing their child go through something that breaks their heart?

I realise things could have been worse....there are always things worse than what u have....I do try and shrug my guilt off, trying to live everyday as much as i can, am selfish where I am confused, conflicted and am not sure if what i am doing is the right thing or not...

But yet I stumble n fumble, grin and giggle, shake and bake, trying my best to be there as much as I can, as much as I am able to, yet I feel inadequate, guilt that damn emotion everpresent...

Monday, September 5, 2011

Fear?

Fear, fear for life, fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of losing, fear of revealing our inner selves as one does not want to appear vulnerable.... all this is really all in our mind, created by us, fueled by our insecurities, our vulnerablities, which in turn inhibits us from exploring our true selves, reaching our god given potential.




If you truly think and analyse your fear, deciede to face it, you may be pleasantly surprised to realise that it was not as bad as u thot it wud be. I remember when I was working in the corporate world, where I interacted with senior level people and was sometimes given tasks that I had never done before and that if done wrong would have serious repurcusions... I remember being stressed out...then told myself to calm down and think through it..it can be done and I did do it...What I realised then is that whenever we are faced with a task that we dread, our stress level shoots up, and all our negative feelings come to the fore and even before we start our task we have already created negative vibes around it, which in turn affects your approach to it.



We refuse to ask questions because we may look silly asking something very mundane and we fear ridicule....my take on this is very simple...it is your life, and if you need to know the answer to make your life better, ask away, who cares if a few people smirk...they are the ones who are the losers, you have gained knowledge to enhance your life, and you end up having the last laugh...As I say, if u want something ask for it, you may hear a No but u may be surprised with a Yes:) I personally do not hesitate in asking questions, as silly as they may be, or ask what I want, even if that elicits negative reaction, I go ahead and ask:) If you are prepared to hear a NO, or prepared for the worst case scenario, then all you can do is win, right?



Another thing most of us are scared of, especially women, but this applies to men too, is to show the world our real "face" for fear that it may be taken advantage of...Women are paranoid of being seen without their make up, or their armor and so do men...while grooming and looking good is very important, and presenting the right image is important especially in corporate setting..in personal relationships...u need to be liked for who you are inside and not what you look like outside.. I strongly believe that if you are beautiful and confident inside it will reflect on your outside:) That is why most of the pics I post are bare of makeup I mean:) I want t be liked and appreciated for what I am as a person and not what I look like.



Also what ultimatley matters is what a person sees when they look into the mirror, when they look into their soul and what they see in there...So stop fearing and start living:) love n hugs:)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

2011 a year of finding my inner strength...

Well it actually really started in the first week of November 2010...My life taking another topsy turvy road... Little did I realise how much power a little pill had on my life.

Parkinson's is complicated enough physically, but many people do not realise the mental and emotional turmoil that comes along with it...and to make matters worse some of the meds while they take care of the physical symptoms mess with ur emotional make up.... As there were some concerns about me having some adverse side affects from a particular drug I was having I was told to withdraw from them but trying to stop taking them, tapering off from 4 tabs a day to 3 to 2 to 1 to zero...Easy enuf, right...

Well well well...So I started off by stopping one, started going thru a whole slew of side effects, stopped taking the secnd dosage and cud barely move....my biggest problem is I have an extremely high tolerance for pain, so I will endure a lot before I even think of asking for help.  I decided to stop my meds withdrawal as I was already half way to hell, physically, emotionally.

I cud not talk, cud not move, just going to the bathroom to pee was a major endeavor....The few steps needed for me to get there which wud normally take a few seconds, now took me close to 20 mins, sweating, cussing and crawling, rolling....

I called my docs, told them, had a vacation planned...a nine day cruise and wanted to feel better for that.  Did manage to go to that, though I spent the majority of the time in the cabin or on a wheelchair.

Then got back home and was unable to sleep, restless, emotionally a mess, physically tired as hell, not sleeping during the nights, losing weight...Got in touch with my docs aand after discussion they decided that as i was not handling my meds withdrawal they wanted to do so in a controlled environment under the supervision of a team of specialists...

So I was admitted late Jan of 2011, the plan being to withdraw the dopamine agonists and supplementing with other meds...Simple enuf....only that withdrawing from these meds was similar to withdrawing from cocaine....pure hell....emotional sea saw.....was actually being closely monitored and they were worried that I wud take my life....i actually did contemplate it, but the fact that i cud not move n was so frigging drained put a crimp in my plans.

This is when I realised how much I depended on the meds and how lost i was without my meds, how very helpless, unable to even take care of even my basic needs....An extremely sobering effect that such a tiny pill can cause so much of havoc...The team of docs, the nurses were extremely supportive and empathetic and were there to help me along the way..That and my Facebook family...I had my laptop with me, excellent internet connection, and I uploaded my usual crazy updates and yup also pics for my "narcissist" album.  I cannot stress enuf how much their support along with my family and the team of specialists helped me:)

I shared my blogs and vlogs with my nurse friends and anyone else who was willing to spare time:) I had to distract myself from the fact that Icud barely walk, needed assistance to go to the bathroom, had to go through physical therapy and was given a walker to take home so I cud walk...

At the age of 43 this is not what one wants life to be...The actual hell started after I got back home..... My life seemed like a black abyss, constant thoughts of taking my life, frustrated, scared, alone, emotional see saw, no energy to talk or even think.... Oh and yea no sleep at nights, apetite gone, losing weight, extremely restless, stumbling and crawling summed up my days and nights...lived by the hours..my docs asked me how did i plan on taking my life? And I very matter of factly replied...I thot of taking a bunch of meds, after all my night stand is full of those orange pill bottles....so what stopped me? my doc asked? I said well, i am going through hell just withdrawing from one of those stupid pills, what if I take them , dont die, but have withdraawal symptoms? huh? My docs did make sure that my hubby had with him all the imp meds like sleeping pills etc with him so that I was not tempted.

I was in HELL and thought I wud never get out of it....but with my famliy's support, my will power, I am happy to say I have managed it to the point where we went on a vacation and I parasailed:))) And yes after 43 years, dared to wear a bikini:)  I was so close to giving it all up, to let go...but I am glad I hung in there....There are still lot of other health issues I need to take care off, but I can survive those....

Yes 2011 so far ahs been an interesting year, still have a few other medical stuff to take care of....one year of my life again gone...wasted..... oh well atleast I lived to crib about it:)

Monday, August 1, 2011

Where am I?

As I stand in the front of the mirror

My hands clutching the counter
As I look with growing dread
the reflection reflecting back
uncombed hair falling limply
on pale cheeks devoid of color
skin dry and taut
bleary eyes tired from lack of sleep
sunken sockets with eyes drooping with tiredness
the lips cracked dry
and pulled down in a grimace
i stare at this stranger
trying to find
glossy hair shining with life
the cheeks rosy blush of excitement
the smooth soft skin
the fire of determination in the eyes
the smile that always hovered on the lips
as i frantically peer into the mirror
looking, searching, hoping
waiting to find myself
soon

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Is it attitude or plain nutso?:)

Hmmm sometimes I seriousy wonder if I have lost my marbles, hmmm not the glittery, made of glass variety, but the ones that you know, try to keep all the things together in ur head?:) Huh...Well Parkinson's atleast made me realise one thing..... what u may ask...the fact that I do have a brain duh:) Honest to god, I do....how do I know...well they injected me with a radioactive dye...so that once they had my head under this huge machine...also known as the Fdopa scan....(as I lay there I was thinking...hmm does FDopa mean a short form for "u r a f@#$%^ dope?" That made me grin, inspite of my nerves jangling away and th emachine clicked away pics of my brains or what is there of it...




I mean I know I am taking the statement "I love to have my pics taken" to the extreme eh...having full color pics of my brains jeez....worried that the secret will be out that all that is in there is a huge pile of sawdust..oops.. Well they had the instant printing kinda thing which told me in colorful detail that my "Dopamine" cells are vanishing at a rapid pace....



As I have since realised that those cells that are doing the vanishing act, which i think is pretty rude, if u ask me, I mean who gave them the permission to go away, I did not...i realised that certain paarts of my body also decided to go haywire...i mean jeez bad enuf that those cells go awol then they have the temerity to discuss with my other body parts, all without my permission, mind you, and they all decide to mess around with me...



Suddenly my legs decide do do a jitterbug dance and here I go tapping my leg, like crazy, or they decide to be lazy and decide to go numb on me and leave me literally having an intimate tete-a-tete with my carpet, which kinda helps sometimes I guess, as I found a missing button, a missing earring back, and a pill....not a fun idea crawling on my knees as my feet decide not to work...



Or when i have a nice hot cup of coffee in my hand and my hand decides to do a jerking dance...hey I am all about movement and dance:) and there goes slosh....the coffee...phew atleast it decided to do it away from my body...or the cells decide to have a one on one with my eyes and they decide to shut down...



I am telling you these brain cells once they start boycotting they take their job seriously....believe me I know...so I decided to try and outsmart them huh....after all who the heck they think they are dealing with? So if my legs do nogt work, I use my hands to crawl and get where I want, if my hands decide to then i use teh other...i guess teh problem wil arise when tehy al decide to go on strike al together....what then....well no worries, I have my thinking cap on...my mind is a racing with racy thoughts...am sure I will come up with sumthing by then..not sure if this is attitude or plain nutso....but hey it is me....love me and laugh with me or heck stay along with me for the bumpety bump ride...it promises to be an interesting one to say the very least:)))



.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Marriage?

Written in 1990:)

What is marriage?
It is a dream filled with meaning
That starts coming true
Because you have someone to share life with you
It's a loved one beside you, where ever you go
Two hearts joined together
By tender gestures and wrds whispered low
It is a wonderful blending of laughter and tears
of happiness and sorrows, success and failures
A warm understanding that deepens with years
It's saying I LOVE YOU with words or a glance
It's caring, it's sharing
A life long romance:)

What is Love?

This is a poem I had written in 1990:)

Is it pure ecstasy
Or is it sheer hell?
Or is it the feeling of inevitability
As you get introduced to him....
Is it the constriction of the chest,
the parched throat, the rapid tattoo of teh ehart
Or is it the feeling of helplessness
As your eyes meet eyes, passing silent messages
the urge to touch, feel and experience
the feeling of being lost, being drowned
drawn inexorably closer to the depths
Is it the reason for sleepless nights
yearning dreams and restless days
Or is it the feeling, the desire to share
a lifetime in eternity with?
Or is it the reason for the world suddenly being a
wonderfulplace to live in, the glow on your face
that comes from the very depths
Is this love???

Monday, June 6, 2011

Love? What is it?

Hmm interestingly, till a friend pointed it out to me, I did not realise that I did not write on the biggest emotion of all LOVE!!!

So that set me thinking and here I am penning my thots as they stumble into my mind, random and heartfelt...

Love.... reams and reams have been written on it, music composed, poetry written, wars fought, songs sung, merchandising .... actually it wud not be too far off the cuff to say as far as emotions are concerned...Love leads the way...

When we think of love the first thought that our mind conjures up is warmth, tenderness, that special person in our lives, the heart thumping, hands sweating, mouth drying kind of feeling....the wistful yearning, the longingness to connect, the meshing of mind body and soul....the perfect harmony between your thoughts, that transcend into the physical realm....which finally culminates in your soul merging into one breath, one thought, one being....

It is the feeling that brings smiles to your heart, joy in your soul, and sheer ecstasy to your thoughts...It is like having someone who understands you without you even voicing your thoughts, the tenderness genuine and heartfelt, comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts, being able to connect without thinking of consequences, being sure that you are loved for what you are and not what you shud be....

There are so many other types of love that is platonic, as in a mothers love, which is universal, kids, friends and other people who come in and out of your lives...or maybe even with a materail thing, thought process or anything that moves you strongly enough...

Love is a feeling that comes from your heart, the very essence of your soul, a feeling that is intense, emotional and all encompassing...which makes you look at the world in a different light:)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Knock Knock...that is ur inner child....

Let your inner child out....Let the fun loving part of you that you  buried so deep down, that you do not even know that it exists...that one...

We let our inhibitions, fear of ridicule, or the fact that we might look silly stop us from enjoying the litle nuances of life...

When was the last time you giggled or rolled over the floor laughing?
When was the last time you danced in the rain, oblivious of getting wet?
When was the last time, you puddle jumped?
When was the last time, you sang at the top of your lungs even if u are terribly off key?
When was the last time, you put some music on and danced with gay abandon?
When was the last time, you joined your kids in whatever sports they were playing?
When was the last time, you acted silly, just because?
When was the last time, you really really sat down and savored your coffee?
When was the last time, you skipped down the street instead of walking?
When was the last time, you licked an icecream cone and did not mind messing ur shirt?
When was the last time, you skimmed a stone on a pond?
When was the last time, you jumped u and down in glee?
When was the last time, you noticed the beautiful flowers along the path u take everyday?
When was the last time, you screamed loudly at the rollercoaster?
When was the last time????

Can go on and on.....something about these simple pleasures that we forget as we grow older 'cos we are under the misconception that it is not right to enjoy and savor the little but imp things in life....

You know what tell them to go fly a kite (lol) that is fun toooo:)

Seriously folks life is short, unpredictable enjoy, let your inner child out and have a blast and if u do find somebody looking at you with disdain, pull that person in too and show them what they are missing:)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

It is within you, really it is!

We trod along life's path blithely unaware of the potholes, puddles or speedbumps ahead. When we have the innocence of our childhood, we are empowered by our sense of wonder, lack of fear, and unsatiable curiousity to discover what is new...

Then comes the brashness of youth, the cocky arrogance, the feeling of being invincible, reckless and brimming over with confidence...Ah what fun:) As and when life progresses and responsibilities get added, we all learn the process of growing up:) It can be a painful, eye opening experience, especially if u have been sheltered and shielded.

I always wonder, how does one get the ability to cope with life's bumps and deal with it? Some people crumble, some stumble, some fumble and then there are people who go from strength to strength using each bump in life as a learning process and using them as stepping stones to their life...

You know, it is, relatively easy to sit and pontificate, to offer platitudes, to commiserate, but only the person who is actually  the one that hit the speedbump is responsible to pick themselves up and go on with their lives, that is if they are able to do so...

We are all different and have our own ways of dealing with curveballs...some give in easily, some fight for a while and then give up, some keep on going in eternal optimism....

I always wonder what makes one different from the other, why does it seem that some people seem to have drawn the lottery of speed bumps and some have the golden touch?

Emotions... we all have our own way of coping...have our own wish list...as I read somewhere, it is not things that keep u happy in life...then what is it? Does robust health make one happy, or abundant wealth? Material things or emotional happiness, contentment or greediness.

It is human nature to want more...which is absolutely fine as long as we know that there is a line beyond which if u go, then the  only way to go is downhill...

What makes a person happy and contented? I think it is on how you look at life...half full or half empty, rose colored glasses or dark glasses, empty and meaningless or full and meaningfull...

Try this exercise and see if it helps...This is how I deal with my speed bumps....If you are going through a bad patch or feel that there is n point in going forward with life, take a step back, and think that there are worse things that could have happened...try not to focus on the negative but try and find something positive in your situation...believe me if u look hard enuf u will find it....Life is a gift given to u, it is up to u how you use it..So make optimum use, derive maximum pleasure, live life like there is no tomorrow, throw away negative vibes and surround yourself with love and happiness:)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Rain Rain...come again

Pitter Patter Pitter Patter
as the drops hit the window
nature's own musical orchestra
as you hear the patter of the drops
the soft gush of water flowing
the gurgle as it flows down the pipes
the hiss as it hits the grounds

then as u take a deep breath
the loamy aroma as the water
soaks the ground assails your nostrils
the heady and invigorating smell
as the first drops hit the parched ground
the fresh clean smell tickles your nostrils
inundating your mind and soul
refreshing, rejuvenating, reviving

As you watch the rain coming
down in sheets
mother nature's way of cleansing the debris
nourishing the living plants
as they open their petals
welcoming the cleansing nectar

As I watch the rain coming down
I sit by the window feeling
the refreshing pricks of the drops
Enticing me to throw open the door
as i step into the rain
my face upturned to the skies
as i feel the water trickling down my face
cleansing and washing away
all my pain and despair
leaving me refreshed, revived n renewed...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

R.A.K

Random Acts of Kindness

A phrase I believe in and live by....an act that not only makes the other person happy but put a spring in ur step, a smile in your heart and you know what the biggest kicker is? This does not cost you anything! No money, not even a lot of hard work...amazing thing isn't it?

Then I wonder why many people do not follow it? Seriously try it out.... simple actions that bring about profound reactions.....

Hold the door open for someone coming in or out even if u may have to wait for a few secs and even if that person does not need it.... of course if it is someone who needs help even better, but do it without expecting anything...often times I hold the door for someone who just walks away without acknowledging...and sometimes i get a heartfelt smile... that is the way it is:)

The point is you do something for someone without expecting anything in return... then if u do get it in return, makes u feel good and if u do not then move on..

Compliment someone, a friend, a stranger , anyone .... the unexpectedness of the compliment is sure to put a smile...on the flip side if u do not have anything nice to say...better to move on:P

Smile, just because:)))) It is a great exercise u know....

Connect with friends, just to say how imp they are to u... to let them know u are thinking of them.

Hug someone or acknowledge the person who does a great job helping you, eventhough that is their job, if someone is pleasant to you, acknowledge it. If you are nice to the other person, the other person will also try to be nice.

Commiserating, being polite, being firm and polite will only reflect well on you.

You know when people tell me I am genuine, caring, honest, straightforward... I am bewildered... isn't everybody?:) I have been told that "no" not everyone is:)

I guess, no wonder I am mostly in am emotional turmoil...I expect everyone to be like me, lol...

Being positive, upbeat, looking at glass half full, looking through rose colored glasses are not cliches for me, they are a way of life for me....

I believe every person has redeeming qualities, that we are all here to fulfill a purpose in the grand scheme of the thing called life....it does not need to be big, huge or life changing....but little acts that we do in our everyday life stitch together a mosaic of events that can create a comforting blanket of goodwill and surround u with love.

So do not ever say, I do not have a talent, a goal, a dream, or I cannot make a difference...We all can in our own little ways, in our own little world which when merges with all the other little worlds out there can create beauty, kindness, smiles and yes a wonderful world:)

Wishful thinking? You tell me? I do not think so.... So come my friend hold my hand, share a smile, give the gift of laughter, and u will be giggling soon....Really:)

Random Acts of Kindness ... try it maybe one act a day... till it becomes a habit a way of life, remember kindness begets kindness:)