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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

shud I givein??

Heck no!... am obstinate, stupid and yea optimistic:)) Otherwise wud have given up ages ago....What I did before Parkinson's (yup that is how i look at life now..before n after) seems a lil blurred... so am trying to recollect what i did post PD...

As i was still in the 'honeymoon' phase of my condition, physically was OK, emotionally a mess... but co-ordinated our move into our present house which we moved in,in 2004, then next year, we bought two rental properties, one totally on the internet:P.....so I did the research, found the realtors, etc etc basically took care of most of the myriad things needed.

Meanwhile, also tried some online business, became a bargain hunter,am known for scouring the net and getting incredible deals, downloaded and learned diff graphics software....am a self proclaimed geek, love electronics,gadgets and always was busy trying to wire something or the other, trying to hook up and try stuff like streaming from Wii etc, using PSP for downloading music etc. Also did a lot of home projects, like painting a mural, making a headboard out of a door, a table out of a kitchen cabinet door....
And in the  midst of all this I was also trying to follow my dreams of broadcasting/acting connecting with ppl trying to sell ideas, blogging vlogging etc.... all this while dealing with PD and its effects...am i good or what??:PPP

I was in full blown denial, scouring the net for different conditions that i may have...made sure they were of the curable variety...did not want to have PD.... visited all kinda 'logist' docs, every single appt heartbreaking as all signs did point to PD... It was hell coming to terms with it...am not sure if i have yet....
I wanted a condition where I suffered for a while and got better, not this darn life long alliance!!...Meanwhile all the mind altering drugs were  doing their side effects thing on me making my life miserable.... Have hit the lowest ebb  in my life, really bottomed out... where i was ready to call it quits.... and from there painstakingly climbing the stairs of life one rung at a time....

i had managed to reach a certain place, when they decided that i need to withdraw from one drug, as it was creating problems...this was in Jan 2011...http://sukas-myworld.blogspot.com/2011/08/2011-year-of-finding-my-inner-strength.html is where I detail my struggle and the  battle still continues...have not yet recovered from that ordeal....

My fight continues, just seems that Parkie is gaining more and more control day by day....but i have been fighting it every step of the way...If my docs wud have it, I wud have had holes drilled in my head, i.e. brain surgery in 2011 itself, infact came home from the hospital  with a walker as i was unable to walk.... I have not touched the walker yet. Earlier this year they still wanted me to  go ahead with the surgery... let me see... honestly it petrifies me....

So my nights are sleepless, days are tiring and sleeping..basically zombie like.... totally out of steam, living each day as is.... need to get my fighting spirit back

So giving in is not an option at all, right:)))

Sunday, July 15, 2012

So much easier...

So much easier to cry rather than laugh
So much easier to frown rather than grin
So much easier to fret rather than jest
So much easier to give in rather than go on
So much easier to forgive rather than forget
So much easier to grieve rather than heal
So much easier to advise rather than follow

So much easier to blame rather than accept
So much easier to fume rather than understand
So much easier to judge rather than be judged
So much easier to laugh at rather than be laughed at
So much easier to follow rather than lead

So much easier to condemn rather than commiserate
So much easier to find faults rather than good
So much easier to look down upon rather than look up to
So much easier to berate rather than appreciate
So much easier to belittle rather than compliment
So much easier to be part of a mob rather than have an individual thought

So much easier to be sad rather than happy
So much easier to fall rather than getup
So much easier to turn away rather than go on
So much easier to say I cannot rather than I can
So much easier to say IMPOSSIBLE instead of I M POSSIBLE

And we wonder why there is so much angst, negative vibes
anger, disillusion, unhappiness around us!!!

Remember I CAN I WILL COS I AM
Remember U CAN U WILL COS U ARE:)))

SUTAPAISM:))))

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Is it me or??

Since I was a lil girl,
I whirled and whirled
happy in my world
parents who showered
me with their love
a brother with whom
I fought and played

Sweet, fun filled memories
and i think how lucky am I
as not everyone is destined for that

for the love and support we
take for granted
not realising how blessed we are

and yes that has made me a person
who has always been accused of
sporting a smile
a  skip  in my step....
a different person in school,
shy and unsure, yearning but cautious

but on my home turf i reigned
I was a doer, getting kids together
staging plays and skits and dances galore
organizing, producing, directing and staging
oh the adrenalin rush as I stood on stage
acting out plays, introducing characters...

I felt the same thrill when I first
spoke into the mike at the radio station
just out of my  high school
gauche and amateur
but bubbling with enthusiasm and fervor
getting the very first paycheck of my life

so many memories, so many experiences
so much to learn, so many mistakes, so much pain
so much joy, a lot of tears and smiles too

now as I approach my mid life
I look back and think
was I always like this?

Did I always have a smile in my soul
A skip in my heart
Hope in my eyes
Laughter in my thoughts
Chatter in my mind?

Did I always look up
and instead of seeing dark clouds
I see the silver lining running through it
playing hide and seek surely
being truant and ornery
but lurking there, just waiting to be found?

Did I always look at the rain
and instead of seeing the wetness,
the muddy puddles, dirt and grit
I see, refreshing elixir that
refreshes, rejuvenates, revives
bringing forth life to earth's parched surface?

Did I always look at life
and instead of seeing sadness and despairtears and jeers...I still wore my rose colored glasses
that the lasik surgeon did not remove:)
and still enables to help  me see life through rose colored lenses?

Did I always look at a person
and see what they are not, what they do not do,
what they refuse to accept and
see the innate goodness that every person has
within  themselves....just that they are
unaware of this wonderful gift within themselves?

Did I always look at a problem
and not see what i cannot do
but instead focus on what I can do?

As i ruminated and reminisced
I realised that yes the base and the foundation
was there, built through my childhood
the rest evolved as life went through

Just as we all do
learning and accepting,applying and living
nothing unique, nothing different
yet being unique and different...

And this is what I have learned
It is all about perspective
It is all about persistence
It is all about hope
It is all about fate
It is all about faith
It is all about optimism
It is all about being positive
It is all about being able to laugh
It is all about being able to accept
that you are not perfect and that is ok
It is all about being able to giggle at yourself
It is all about being able to accept that yes you do make mistakes
It is all about being able to accept that yes u can do what u want to do
because the power is within u
It is all about being able to say No to things and people u are not comfortable with
It is about being able accept that it  is not humanly possible for you
you to know everything and it is ok to admit it
It is all about being able to accept your limitations and your strengths
It is about having an open mind to learn from everyday experiences
It is about believing in you, your ability to do it
Cos if u do not then how will others believe in you????


Hmmm Is it me or???:))