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Thursday, September 22, 2011

Guilt...

Everpresent, searing, heartbreaking guilt, swoops on me unexpectedly, drowning me, inundating me, fear and insecurity combining to make it a potent cauldron of despair and anguish.

For me, a person who got my first paycheck in high school, from All India Radio (AIR), have vivid memories of how proud and important I felt as my dad took me to the bank to open an account in my name. The sum was for a paltry amount monetarily but priceless in value..

Then after I completed my 12th grade, I taught for a couple of months in an elementary school, before going on to undergraduate school....I remember riding my bike everyday and of coz after that experience teaching, I decided teaching was not for me...

I continued my broadcasting on All India Radio all through my junior college, degree college, and even after that...was the absolute best time of my life...

Right after my degree/undergrad...I started working...in the marketing department of a computer company, where I met my hubby, got married, then came to the US.

Within 15 days after arriving here in the US started working in a diner waiting on tables for almost two years till Anil, my hubby, who attended school full time and worked too to pay for school...Those were some interesting times....

Then followed internships in BDA PROMAX, a CBS TV station and ABC radio station....then worked for almost 10 years in corporate America...

U are wondering what does this have to do with my guilt....for a person who thrives on working outside the house, not the type t clean and dust, rather read or surf:)....

The feeeling of inadequacy, feeling like a failure on all fronts, professionally and personally, a failure in being a good mom, a good wife,a good supporter....the sheer frustration is immense.

My kids, bless their hearts, have always known me with Parkinson's...Rishu my oldest was 5 years old and Ranu was 2 when I was diagnosed with Parkinson's...

They instead of calling Ma, when they need something have gotten used to calling Baba cos they realise that my health is ifffy....there are times I am able to help them out, but most of the time, I am unable to my heart crying silent tears for my babies, thinking why shud they suffer, why shud those precious hearts not have their mom fully involved in their lives....I try my best but am betrayed by my body, my mind, my sheer fatigue, my inability to multi task as before.....

Guilt searing and cutting as I watch my husband dealing with things on his own, a time when we both shud be building our future, our lives for our family....i feel like an encumbrance, a spoke in the wheel, useless because I have always always always been working, and here I am festering, constantly living with the fear of losing my mind completely, my body betrays me already....

Guilt as I see my parents and in -laws getting old, and instead of me helping them and looking after them they put their lives on hold to come and look after me, and the family....WHy shud they go through the agony of seeing their child go through something that breaks their heart?

I realise things could have been worse....there are always things worse than what u have....I do try and shrug my guilt off, trying to live everyday as much as i can, am selfish where I am confused, conflicted and am not sure if what i am doing is the right thing or not...

But yet I stumble n fumble, grin and giggle, shake and bake, trying my best to be there as much as I can, as much as I am able to, yet I feel inadequate, guilt that damn emotion everpresent...
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