Monday, December 1, 2008
Terror attacks in India n elsewhere in the world....
A lot is being written, lots of anger, feeling of helplessness, bewilderment, angst, questions, rage at the unfairness of it all. The innocent lives lost, being at the wrong place at the wrong time, questions - difficult questions asked by our li;l ones - but why?The biggest irony of ot all is it is all in the name of God, in the name of religion - the same God/religion that talks about, being good, kind n tolerant? Am i the only one seeing the disconnect?What would killing people get, but more anger, more anguish, more media, more families devastated by the unfairness of it all?Does it really help any cause at all? I am confused.... Dont we have enough issues to deal with already?
Monday, September 29, 2008
life and such...
Well Well I never thought I would be so philosophical, but I guess certain happenings make you reflective and I guess that is what happened to me :)I am not a grim person to begin with. I have been told I am a child in an adults body:) I just know I look at life differently. I am the one who will put a positive spin on anything, have a wicked sense of humor and yup look at the glass half full. No I am not going to list all my virtues - there is not enough tiime and words :) Kidding!What I am thinking about is the correlation between mental peace and emotional strength and physical manifestations of the same. If you are mentally and emotionally at peace would that automatically manifest itself into robust health? And vice versa? Anyone has experiences please share....Does a weakened mental state also mean health issues? Life is complicated enough... why do we strive to further complicate it by our attitude, our actions, our thoughts and yes our words?Point to ponder upon..... I would love to hear from you if you have found peace and contentment and be ready to share ur secret:)You can also reach me at sutapa@creatvproductions.com
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Words!
Words Words Words ---- What a discovery! Words written or spoken have so much of power, it is incredible. It can make or break, create unrest, find love, express something beautiful, ugly, used to express yourself. These seemingly innocuous formation of alphabets is amazing.
There are literally billions of words around us, we are surrounded by them, we are defined by them, they are so powerful they have the power to cut through flesh and pierce your heart, they have the power to go through your skull and float around in your head sometimes taking on a whole new meaning. Words can be flowery and beautiful, ornery and hateful, kind and hurtful, simple and complicated, profound and shallow……
We seemingly effortlessly spew off most of the times without thinking of the repercussions or the effect it has on the other party. We seem to feel good after venting not fully realizing the effect they have on others.
They are also helpful, in expressing our innermost feelings, fear, guilt, joy, happiness, beauty, rage, hurt, and so many other nuances of our lives….
I think they need to be used with care. I am guilty of being careless with them, cruel and hurtful, and yes also kind and have also been the recipient of the same…. It is human nature to retain the hurtful and cruel words and forget about the kind ones.
And yes words also help to clear the air, clear up misunderstandings etc….
They have an incredible power over us, our lives, relationships etc……
And the purpose of my diatribe - well to utilize words!
There are literally billions of words around us, we are surrounded by them, we are defined by them, they are so powerful they have the power to cut through flesh and pierce your heart, they have the power to go through your skull and float around in your head sometimes taking on a whole new meaning. Words can be flowery and beautiful, ornery and hateful, kind and hurtful, simple and complicated, profound and shallow……
We seemingly effortlessly spew off most of the times without thinking of the repercussions or the effect it has on the other party. We seem to feel good after venting not fully realizing the effect they have on others.
They are also helpful, in expressing our innermost feelings, fear, guilt, joy, happiness, beauty, rage, hurt, and so many other nuances of our lives….
I think they need to be used with care. I am guilty of being careless with them, cruel and hurtful, and yes also kind and have also been the recipient of the same…. It is human nature to retain the hurtful and cruel words and forget about the kind ones.
And yes words also help to clear the air, clear up misunderstandings etc….
They have an incredible power over us, our lives, relationships etc……
And the purpose of my diatribe - well to utilize words!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Is it my fault???
Is it my fault that I have been diagnosed with a chronic disease? Is it my fault that I got a dreaded disease on to the family tree? Is it my fault that I cannot contribute to the family finances because of my health issues? Is it my fault that I cannot be as involved or as attentive to my kids as I would like to be because of the way my medications make me feel?
Is it my fault that I have Parkinson's? Is it my fault that I am unable to keep my eyes open because hey I am the lucky one and I have this rare side effect of PD that makes me unable to keep my eyes open?
Guilt is everpresent, makes it worse. I try to tell myself it's not my fault. But I wonder why me when I look at my beautiful, wonderful kids. Why them? Why should they see their mother unable to walk, why should they know about doctor's visit at such a young age, why should they live with the thought with the knowledge that their mom is not well?
Why me???
Is it my fault that I have Parkinson's? Is it my fault that I am unable to keep my eyes open because hey I am the lucky one and I have this rare side effect of PD that makes me unable to keep my eyes open?
Guilt is everpresent, makes it worse. I try to tell myself it's not my fault. But I wonder why me when I look at my beautiful, wonderful kids. Why them? Why should they see their mother unable to walk, why should they know about doctor's visit at such a young age, why should they live with the thought with the knowledge that their mom is not well?
Why me???
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Grand Parenting
Saw an article on this and thought I would write about my experiences. First of all, a heartfelt thanks to my in-laws and my parents for being the epitome of unselfishness by putting their lives on hold to help us and our siblings bring up our children:)
Right from when my oldest ,who is 8 and a half now, was born till he was 3 we have had either my parents or my in laws visiting from India and spend several months, putting their lives on hold and grand parenting. Yes they lived with us and yes there were tense moments but I always look at the big picture - the kids get to spend quality time with their grandparents, get to be spoilt and yes most importantly learn fom them just like we did.
And we get to bond with parents in a different way - as adults and being able to disagree with them, sharing experiences, being able to tell them what is on your mind .makes you feel the comfort of childhood.
But let me warn you that you need to be flexible too. You need to be open to ideas and suggestions. You don't have to follow it because you as a mom know your kid the best. Of coz it also depends on your relationship with them. If you have a strained relationship, well you are better off with day care:) Relationships are complicated at best and adding more to the mix - well as I say it all depends on how you deal with it.
It is so easy to blow up, have a confrontation but to what end? Mine mostly has been a positive experience. I would love to hear your thoughts;)
Cheers.
Sutapa
www.creatvproductions.com
Right from when my oldest ,who is 8 and a half now, was born till he was 3 we have had either my parents or my in laws visiting from India and spend several months, putting their lives on hold and grand parenting. Yes they lived with us and yes there were tense moments but I always look at the big picture - the kids get to spend quality time with their grandparents, get to be spoilt and yes most importantly learn fom them just like we did.
And we get to bond with parents in a different way - as adults and being able to disagree with them, sharing experiences, being able to tell them what is on your mind .makes you feel the comfort of childhood.
But let me warn you that you need to be flexible too. You need to be open to ideas and suggestions. You don't have to follow it because you as a mom know your kid the best. Of coz it also depends on your relationship with them. If you have a strained relationship, well you are better off with day care:) Relationships are complicated at best and adding more to the mix - well as I say it all depends on how you deal with it.
It is so easy to blow up, have a confrontation but to what end? Mine mostly has been a positive experience. I would love to hear your thoughts;)
Cheers.
Sutapa
www.creatvproductions.com
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
"Health is Wealth"! No, really it is!
How often have we heard the refrain "Health is Wealth" and we say huh uh and continue going our merry way oblivious to the significance of those three words. That phrase is oft repeated but rarely does it penetrate our stress induced haze and the brain which is computing all the to do lists.
For most of us health is something we take for granted. Yup you get a sniffle or two, you get a fever etc... pop some pills and continue the rat race always fearful of being left behind. What we do not realise until it is too late that we should take some time to respect our body, feed it, nourish it, cherish it and take care of it. Because without it you cannot do anything
I was also cruising along the highway of life oblivious to the changes going on inside me as I was more focused on what needs to be done next, stressing out, working, being a parent, spouse, daughter etc. There was a lot going on, changes in residence, jobs, new baby - all the little warning signs attributed to the myriad little things that crop up as part of living. The tremors was because of weakness, irritability because of stress etc etc.
Then suddenly I found myself on the wayside flailing struggling to gain control of my life, trying to steer back to the road but unable to.... my tremors increased, heartbeat accelerated, irritability was a constant companion, fatigue so intense that I felt like a rag doll, limp and drained, emotions all over the place, I felt like I was in the twilight zone, very sure that I was loosing my marbles or going plain nuts:)
Doctors visits followed , multiple needle pricks later, diagnosis - hyperthyroidism! Oh phew! so my slew of "symptoms' actually had a name. Hyper became hypo - started popping pills started almost feeling human. No real cure need to pop pills lifelong! Bummer I thought and then shrugged it off saying "Oh well, as long as I am able to cruise along and went on feeling a little better at handling this little fender bender in the road of life.
Bang! Just as I was cruising along there came along an bump so large and so life changing on the road that my life and those of my loved ones will never be the same....
Talk about a life derailing event. Diagnosis of Parkinson's at the age of 36 prime of my life, of my hubby's life, my two beautiful sons - Still trying to recover from the whiplash of that news, trying to come to terms with the limitations and everything else that it entails, the frustrations, the fear, the unfairness of it, the self recriminations the if onlys, maybes, because and yes the why me??
I always believe whatever happens - happens for the best and I look at life through rose colored glasses and yup my glass is half full, but I am still waiting for answers, still trying to find the strength and still waiting for the answer that I had emailed to God - why me??
"Health is Wealth" you bet it is! Take it from someone who found out the hard way.
Cheers.
Sutapa
For most of us health is something we take for granted. Yup you get a sniffle or two, you get a fever etc... pop some pills and continue the rat race always fearful of being left behind. What we do not realise until it is too late that we should take some time to respect our body, feed it, nourish it, cherish it and take care of it. Because without it you cannot do anything
I was also cruising along the highway of life oblivious to the changes going on inside me as I was more focused on what needs to be done next, stressing out, working, being a parent, spouse, daughter etc. There was a lot going on, changes in residence, jobs, new baby - all the little warning signs attributed to the myriad little things that crop up as part of living. The tremors was because of weakness, irritability because of stress etc etc.
Then suddenly I found myself on the wayside flailing struggling to gain control of my life, trying to steer back to the road but unable to.... my tremors increased, heartbeat accelerated, irritability was a constant companion, fatigue so intense that I felt like a rag doll, limp and drained, emotions all over the place, I felt like I was in the twilight zone, very sure that I was loosing my marbles or going plain nuts:)
Doctors visits followed , multiple needle pricks later, diagnosis - hyperthyroidism! Oh phew! so my slew of "symptoms' actually had a name. Hyper became hypo - started popping pills started almost feeling human. No real cure need to pop pills lifelong! Bummer I thought and then shrugged it off saying "Oh well, as long as I am able to cruise along and went on feeling a little better at handling this little fender bender in the road of life.
Bang! Just as I was cruising along there came along an bump so large and so life changing on the road that my life and those of my loved ones will never be the same....
Talk about a life derailing event. Diagnosis of Parkinson's at the age of 36 prime of my life, of my hubby's life, my two beautiful sons - Still trying to recover from the whiplash of that news, trying to come to terms with the limitations and everything else that it entails, the frustrations, the fear, the unfairness of it, the self recriminations the if onlys, maybes, because and yes the why me??
I always believe whatever happens - happens for the best and I look at life through rose colored glasses and yup my glass is half full, but I am still waiting for answers, still trying to find the strength and still waiting for the answer that I had emailed to God - why me??
"Health is Wealth" you bet it is! Take it from someone who found out the hard way.
Cheers.
Sutapa
Friday, July 25, 2008
Ma, Mom
Mother, mom, Ma, Mum, Amma etc. the many names we have for the woman who nurtures and loves and cares about us. The quintessential person who evokes in us a fondness, an inexplicable bond, a source of comfort, a feeling of peace, a warm fuzzy and cozy feeling. A person that you can go to no matter what and a person who will love you unconditionally no matter what! Ma, on whom you can rest your head on her bosom or lap and feel all your stress just float away. The person who makes you feel that you have come home no matter where you are.
This is universal no matter which part of the world you go to. A woman has many roles in her life, but the most fulfilling, by far, is being a mother. For most of us it defines who we are! The feelings that we have for our mothers is universal. No matter where you live or what you do, what race or religion, irrespective of the color of the skin or your social standing in life, whether you are rich and successful or dirt poor whether you are a man or a woman the feeling is universal. We all have strong feelings for our mothers. For most of us it is positive but there are some that have negative feelings, but one thing is sure they are strong feelings!
Being a mom is also pretty similar all over the world. The experiences, feelings, emotions are all so similar and universal! It is the woman who carries the child through nine months, give or take a few weeks, a woman who goes through morning sickness, mood swings, fatigue, hormones all over the place, waist line expanding, a feeling of helplessness, feeling elated, nervous, frantic, excited and terrified all in a matter of a few minutes! And all of this and more just in the first few months. Then of course the ever expanding belly, going to the bathroom every few minutes, swollen ankles, not able to see your feet, taking forever to turn over the side when you are sleeping, muscle cramps, heartburn etc… And this is just the beginning… You get the picture…
But is it all bad? No way! Otherwise we would not have so many little ones running around, would we. It is also the feeling of awe, of having a little human being growing inside your body! A feeling so powerful and scary, so overwhelming and so terrifying, a feeling of responsibility. A feeling of oneness with this little fuzzy ball growing inside your tummy - a ball that within 9 months will grow into an amazing little person with perfect little nails, sparkly eyes, a rosebud mouth, beautiful tiny feet and hands, a perfect tiny little human being with the loudest voice you have ever heard!!!
Being a mom also means being kicked - well literally, when the baby is growing at a rapid pace inside the body. It is amazing when you look at the sonogram and see this little bundle all bent up like a pretzel, with it’s huge head and hands and feet flailing about! It is wonderful and yes painful feeling that kick, bringing home the fact that there really is someone alive in your body!
And of course we will talk about Dads too. They also play an important role in all thisJ Other than being responsible for helping create the baby of courseJ We, moms need someone to be at the receiving end of our frustrations, someone to blow steam off at.
We look to the Dads to understand what is going through our minds at that particular moment and Lord help them if they can’t! New, to be dads, are the ones with the bewildered look on the faces, treading very carefully around their to be baby’s mom! They are the ones who are not sure if they are supposed to be cuddle up or just stay as far away as possible!! And of course when the moms get their midnight cravings, there has to be someone who gallantly offers to fulfill that craving!
Yes, raising child is not exactly child’s play! And this is just the beginning!
Then comes the birth of the baby, bringing the bundle of joy home and beginning the fun, interesting and challenging process of parentingJ The joys, frustrations, challenges, fun and experiences unlike any other. A total life changing event!!! Being a parent is a lot of hard work. It has its rewards and it has its trials. Having a baby is just the beginning of the most challenging journey ahead. A road with unknown twists and turns, an exciting journey with wonderful rewards, some pitfalls and some interesting moments. A road that does not come with a manual, a road where everyone’s experience is similar yet unique. As they say once a parent always a parent! It is a life long commitment. It is a journey from the first steps, the first smile, the first tooth, to the first day of school, to the first report card to the day that your little baby leaves the nest to begin their journey as an adult taking with them the life’s lessons that you teach them and hopefully will put to good use and you hope will help them become a great and successful human being! Does being a parent stop there? No way! This is the beginning of an entire new phase of being a parent.
It is a journey, a journey that has its own rewards. What we hope to do in our show is showcase some of the important milestones in a parents life, with the focus being on moms. While it is impossible to capture every moment we will do our best to get a snapshot of important moments in our journey to adulthood!
This is universal no matter which part of the world you go to. A woman has many roles in her life, but the most fulfilling, by far, is being a mother. For most of us it defines who we are! The feelings that we have for our mothers is universal. No matter where you live or what you do, what race or religion, irrespective of the color of the skin or your social standing in life, whether you are rich and successful or dirt poor whether you are a man or a woman the feeling is universal. We all have strong feelings for our mothers. For most of us it is positive but there are some that have negative feelings, but one thing is sure they are strong feelings!
Being a mom is also pretty similar all over the world. The experiences, feelings, emotions are all so similar and universal! It is the woman who carries the child through nine months, give or take a few weeks, a woman who goes through morning sickness, mood swings, fatigue, hormones all over the place, waist line expanding, a feeling of helplessness, feeling elated, nervous, frantic, excited and terrified all in a matter of a few minutes! And all of this and more just in the first few months. Then of course the ever expanding belly, going to the bathroom every few minutes, swollen ankles, not able to see your feet, taking forever to turn over the side when you are sleeping, muscle cramps, heartburn etc… And this is just the beginning… You get the picture…
But is it all bad? No way! Otherwise we would not have so many little ones running around, would we. It is also the feeling of awe, of having a little human being growing inside your body! A feeling so powerful and scary, so overwhelming and so terrifying, a feeling of responsibility. A feeling of oneness with this little fuzzy ball growing inside your tummy - a ball that within 9 months will grow into an amazing little person with perfect little nails, sparkly eyes, a rosebud mouth, beautiful tiny feet and hands, a perfect tiny little human being with the loudest voice you have ever heard!!!
Being a mom also means being kicked - well literally, when the baby is growing at a rapid pace inside the body. It is amazing when you look at the sonogram and see this little bundle all bent up like a pretzel, with it’s huge head and hands and feet flailing about! It is wonderful and yes painful feeling that kick, bringing home the fact that there really is someone alive in your body!
And of course we will talk about Dads too. They also play an important role in all thisJ Other than being responsible for helping create the baby of courseJ We, moms need someone to be at the receiving end of our frustrations, someone to blow steam off at.
We look to the Dads to understand what is going through our minds at that particular moment and Lord help them if they can’t! New, to be dads, are the ones with the bewildered look on the faces, treading very carefully around their to be baby’s mom! They are the ones who are not sure if they are supposed to be cuddle up or just stay as far away as possible!! And of course when the moms get their midnight cravings, there has to be someone who gallantly offers to fulfill that craving!
Yes, raising child is not exactly child’s play! And this is just the beginning!
Then comes the birth of the baby, bringing the bundle of joy home and beginning the fun, interesting and challenging process of parentingJ The joys, frustrations, challenges, fun and experiences unlike any other. A total life changing event!!! Being a parent is a lot of hard work. It has its rewards and it has its trials. Having a baby is just the beginning of the most challenging journey ahead. A road with unknown twists and turns, an exciting journey with wonderful rewards, some pitfalls and some interesting moments. A road that does not come with a manual, a road where everyone’s experience is similar yet unique. As they say once a parent always a parent! It is a life long commitment. It is a journey from the first steps, the first smile, the first tooth, to the first day of school, to the first report card to the day that your little baby leaves the nest to begin their journey as an adult taking with them the life’s lessons that you teach them and hopefully will put to good use and you hope will help them become a great and successful human being! Does being a parent stop there? No way! This is the beginning of an entire new phase of being a parent.
It is a journey, a journey that has its own rewards. What we hope to do in our show is showcase some of the important milestones in a parents life, with the focus being on moms. While it is impossible to capture every moment we will do our best to get a snapshot of important moments in our journey to adulthood!
Parkinson's and me
Parkinson's disease (also known as Parkinson disease or PD) is a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system that often impairs the sufferer's motor skills and speech, as well as other functions.[1]
Parkinson's disease belongs to a group of conditions called movement disorders. It is characterized by muscle rigidity, tremor, a slowing of physical movement (bradykinesia) and, in extreme cases, a loss of physical movement (akinesia). The primary symptoms are the results of decreased stimulation of the motor cortex by the basal ganglia, normally caused by the insufficient formation and action of dopamine, which is produced in the dopaminergic neurons of the brain. Secondary symptoms may include high level cognitive dysfunction and subtle language problems. PD is both chronic and progressive.
PD is the most common cause of chronic progressive parkinsonism, a term which refers to the syndrome of tremor, rigidity, bradykinesia and postural instability. PD is also called "primary parkinsonism" or "idiopathic PD" (classically meaning having no known cause although this term is not strictly true in light of the plethora of newly discovered genetic mutations). While many forms of parkinsonism are "idiopathic", "secondary" cases may result from toxicity most notably of drugs, head trauma, or other medical disorders. The disease is named after English physician James Parkinson; who made a detailed description of the disease in his essay: "An Essay on the Shaking Palsy" (1817).
So that is the Wikipedia version! According to me it is the uncertainity of the progression, the fact that there is no cure, that I will be unable to do lots of things, the fact that I will lose my memory, my movement, my speech basically all my cognitive functions. My biggest fear and guilt - my two beautiful kids - my family- being responsible for getting it on the family tree, putting other generations at risk, of not being there for my family physically, mentally and emotionally!
Being the person that looks at life 'glass half full' I thank god that it is not life threatening but life inhibiting! My positive attitude and sense of humor is very handy in helping deal with this....
It all started with a tremor that grew in magnitude till it rocked my world and my family's! I have no idea when it snuck on me. I attributed it to stress, being a second time mom etc...I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism which eventually became hypothyroid and I thought that's it! Little did I know what was in store... I am almost a walking medical dictionary - thyroid, extremely low sodium ferritin, vitamin D and of cos the big doozy Parkinson's also known as PD.
My experience with PD has been interesting to say the least. It is not only physical but also emotional and mental. I go through periods of being "normal" to a stage where I cannot get out of the chair or bed or cannot maintain my balance where I keep walking backwards.
We take life for granted... I did. I always thought I'll do this after so and so and here I am struggling to sometime even do the basic thing like cook for my kids or drive them to their activities. I am having meds that mess with my head and have crazy side effects. People ask me if I am in pain. Pain is the least of my problems... Frustration, imbalance, mental apathy, despair, guilt, dizziness, numbness, fear, walking backwards, shuffling gait, freezing of legs where they just give up, hands shaking so badly that I can barely hold anything, not being able to get out of the chair, mentally feeling like a zombie, not being able to do things fast, taking time to even simple basic tasks, body tremors, jaw shaking and oh yeah the additional complication that I have with my eyes.
What about it? Well it is called blepharospasm dystonia. What the heck is that now you say? Well it basically is being functionally blind. I am unable to keep my eyes open. My eyes keep blinking rapidly and I walk around with my eyes closed. Thank God there is a solution - what is it you ask? Well every three months life long I have to go take botox shots around my eyes - medicinal botox that helps relax muscles.... Around 10 shots per eye......
Oh Yeah did I mention that I hear things and see things auditory and visual hallucinations --- crazy huh. Well another wonderful side effect.
So really all you healthy people stop complaining get up and get moving, do what you want...
You know what I'll take simple pain anyday:)
There are so many thoughts, ideas, projects running around in my head but my body refuses to cooperate. It is also very deceptive. People seeing me in my "on or normal period" think I am faking it. Even people closest to me thought that and that hurts. The biggest plus point if any is that it is not directly fatal.
www.creatvproductions.com
Parkinson's disease belongs to a group of conditions called movement disorders. It is characterized by muscle rigidity, tremor, a slowing of physical movement (bradykinesia) and, in extreme cases, a loss of physical movement (akinesia). The primary symptoms are the results of decreased stimulation of the motor cortex by the basal ganglia, normally caused by the insufficient formation and action of dopamine, which is produced in the dopaminergic neurons of the brain. Secondary symptoms may include high level cognitive dysfunction and subtle language problems. PD is both chronic and progressive.
PD is the most common cause of chronic progressive parkinsonism, a term which refers to the syndrome of tremor, rigidity, bradykinesia and postural instability. PD is also called "primary parkinsonism" or "idiopathic PD" (classically meaning having no known cause although this term is not strictly true in light of the plethora of newly discovered genetic mutations). While many forms of parkinsonism are "idiopathic", "secondary" cases may result from toxicity most notably of drugs, head trauma, or other medical disorders. The disease is named after English physician James Parkinson; who made a detailed description of the disease in his essay: "An Essay on the Shaking Palsy" (1817).
So that is the Wikipedia version! According to me it is the uncertainity of the progression, the fact that there is no cure, that I will be unable to do lots of things, the fact that I will lose my memory, my movement, my speech basically all my cognitive functions. My biggest fear and guilt - my two beautiful kids - my family- being responsible for getting it on the family tree, putting other generations at risk, of not being there for my family physically, mentally and emotionally!
Being the person that looks at life 'glass half full' I thank god that it is not life threatening but life inhibiting! My positive attitude and sense of humor is very handy in helping deal with this....
It all started with a tremor that grew in magnitude till it rocked my world and my family's! I have no idea when it snuck on me. I attributed it to stress, being a second time mom etc...I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism which eventually became hypothyroid and I thought that's it! Little did I know what was in store... I am almost a walking medical dictionary - thyroid, extremely low sodium ferritin, vitamin D and of cos the big doozy Parkinson's also known as PD.
My experience with PD has been interesting to say the least. It is not only physical but also emotional and mental. I go through periods of being "normal" to a stage where I cannot get out of the chair or bed or cannot maintain my balance where I keep walking backwards.
We take life for granted... I did. I always thought I'll do this after so and so and here I am struggling to sometime even do the basic thing like cook for my kids or drive them to their activities. I am having meds that mess with my head and have crazy side effects. People ask me if I am in pain. Pain is the least of my problems... Frustration, imbalance, mental apathy, despair, guilt, dizziness, numbness, fear, walking backwards, shuffling gait, freezing of legs where they just give up, hands shaking so badly that I can barely hold anything, not being able to get out of the chair, mentally feeling like a zombie, not being able to do things fast, taking time to even simple basic tasks, body tremors, jaw shaking and oh yeah the additional complication that I have with my eyes.
What about it? Well it is called blepharospasm dystonia. What the heck is that now you say? Well it basically is being functionally blind. I am unable to keep my eyes open. My eyes keep blinking rapidly and I walk around with my eyes closed. Thank God there is a solution - what is it you ask? Well every three months life long I have to go take botox shots around my eyes - medicinal botox that helps relax muscles.... Around 10 shots per eye......
Oh Yeah did I mention that I hear things and see things auditory and visual hallucinations --- crazy huh. Well another wonderful side effect.
So really all you healthy people stop complaining get up and get moving, do what you want...
You know what I'll take simple pain anyday:)
There are so many thoughts, ideas, projects running around in my head but my body refuses to cooperate. It is also very deceptive. People seeing me in my "on or normal period" think I am faking it. Even people closest to me thought that and that hurts. The biggest plus point if any is that it is not directly fatal.
www.creatvproductions.com
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