I am a Fraud..Yep:)

So with it being the end of the year and all, i thought it best to cleanse my soul, bust some myths about me and correct some assumptions:) Yup confession time...so pre warned....brace urself, this piece will shatter your opinion about me ..... r u ready.... oh ur hmm k:P

Some people have the mistaken impression that I am an intellectual, highly read person....ahemmmm....I love my steamy romances and fast paced mystery books....no philosophy or heavy reading...honestly they put me to sleep. I am not highly educated as far as traditional education...just a Bachelors... in fact the first time I ever saw a sign of respect in anyone's eyes when I mentioned I had a Bachelor's was here in the US...In India I would be looked down upon.... not that I care:)

I am strong:) Well emotionally that is, physically it would be funny as I weigh in less than 100 pounds and all of 5ft 4....but even e being strong emotionally is not true..... I am terrified hmmm actually no am petrified at what my future holds as far as my health is concerned....and if by now you do not know that I have been diagnosed with Parkinson's at the age of 36 in 2004, where the heck have u been....I have been whining about that forever...Maybe I am a master at denial.... that is it...

Unselfish.... yea that I am not, ...ask my hubby and he will laugh you out of town...He has known me for twenty plus years and says I am very selfish so...maybe he is right? Yes I am selfish, when it comes to food:P Yup food....love to eat, and esp chocolates or desserts....I have a very strict no sharing policy and have no shame or hesitation in admitting it... Yes I am selfish as I love to get compliments, accolades, appreciation...yup I do....

Another thing people think when they see me is that I am very confident and modern and and that I can do whatever I want....uh wroonggg....I have my share of insecurities, my failures, lotsa weak points, may look modern but at heart a lil old fashioned and traditional, like simple things in life and am basically low maintenance:) I did term yself an emotional doormat which I was...but am learning now....

Ok so what am I.... I am at heart, a simple traditional gal, with an open mind, non judgemental, believe in human goodness, am talkative, loyal, beautiful inside and out, friendly, narcissisist, geek, love to learn new things, like to keep myself busy, am more happier working outside the house rather than inside the house.  I thrive on interaction, love my gadgets, am delighted when given a bunch of wires and trying to connect them, am passionate, stubborn uh actually letme rephrase strong willed, like to laugh at me and at the world:) And yup not modest cos here is what I believe

Am confident of who i am, know most of my faults and strengths, cannot stand artificial people, honestly, I wud not know how to respond...

Am a straight shooter...with me usually I will tell u exactly what is on my mind..gud, bad or ugly....

Oh yea am a sentimental fool and very sensitive too....

You know we all want to hide our selves, our fears, our insecurities, our vulnerabilities, for fear of being manipulated. People go to a lot of effort to hide their true face from the world....and tell me very often....why are u baring your heart, why are u sharing your pain with Parkinson's...do u think people care?

And there in lies the biggest myth of all...I share not for others but for me, for my sake....I am a sharer and it helps me feel better to share....

So there you have it Sutapa Unplugged:))

Zindagi...Life

(My first attempt to write in Hindi) 

zindagi bus kuch pal ke liye hoti hai

lekin hum woh bhi gam main gawah dete hai

kyu na hum khush rahe apni duniya main

apni choti choti khushiyan ko leke 

aur apni gham ko bhula de

humare man main jo hai 

hum usse isehaar nahi karte

apna pyar, apna gam, apne dil ke baatein

hamesha dabaye rakthe hai

phir jab waqt nikal jaata hai tab

haami bharte hai

zindagi jeeyo aise jaise kal na ho

keh do apne dil ki baatein

kar do apna dil ko halka

aur jeeyo apni zindagi:)))

Life is but a few precious moments

yet we live our lives with gloomy thots

why can't we find happiness in those

small little nuances, those little gestures that

bring a smile to our hearts and joy to our souls

Let us focus on the smiles and wipe the tears

why do we keep our thoughts locked in our hearts

Emotions, are meant to be shared

joy and grief, happiness and sorrow, smiles and tears

Share them and lighten your heart

Share them and spread the joy

We keep out thoughts locked away

for fear of rejection, ridicule and disappointment

and then time passes by and the feelings remain

festering away at your soul

get them out, free the thoughts, share ur soul

Life is but a few precious moments

Life life fully, Live like there is no tomorrow

Smile and giggle, laugh and love.

Life is worth that and so much more:))

Sutapa

I am HOT!!!

(Disclaimer before starting this....All views expressed here are mine and mine only, so help me lord:) Puns, double entendre, cliches, euphemisms may or may not be intended....that discretion rests solely with the reader depending on their perception...my thots are typed purely as they form in my convoluted brain and spewed forth:)

Yeah so where was I? Yeah I am HOT!!! Yup no doubt about it.....I literally give out heat:) How you may ask...A very simple trick, again many thanks to this condition called Parkinson's, I have learned the many amazing tricks my body can do.... all without my permission or without my say so....my various body parts decide to let off steam, send off electrical impulses, go on vibrate mode, or do a jiggly wiggly...especially the shins part of my leg, and then boy am I a mover shaker:)))

When I am in the mover shaker mode, sometimes it is either a part of my body or sometimes the whole body joins in for the fun, I am shaking so much, if I am sitting on a chair, the chair shakes, if I am laying on the bed, yup shake it up, or if someone is holding me trying to calm my body down, I move them too:)

Never knew my body knew so many tricks....as for my mind..ahem lets leave that be...So it is during these moments that I am hot, electrifying, and at the end of that episode, after my body decides to calm down, am sweaty and tired...yup i know... and then I wonder why I am tired huh....

Yeah baby I am hot:) Reminds me of this Hindi song..."Khambe jaisi khadi ho, bijli ho ya .....basically means full of sparks and spitfire....yup that is me:) Modest to the last breath:)

I Can Do it

while i lie down on the carpet

a quivering body

moving and yet not able to move 

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

while i stumble, grumble 

and sway as my body has a mind of it s own

as i try to move forward

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

Baby Baby baby all i need is u

and i can conquer the  world

I need  u to hold my hands and share my dreams

Tell me baby will you will you coz 

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

while i sit in my chair

and my body vibrates 

beating a staccato of noise as my chaair vibrates tool

and my feet tap furiously on the table

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

Baby Baby baby all i need is u

and i can conquer the  world

I need  u to hold my hands and share my dreams

Tell me baby will you will you coz 

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

with you by my side

no mountain is too high

no oceam too wide

no cliff too steep

no ravine too deep

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

Baby will you

cos i need u

i want u

i love u

Baby Baby baby all i need is u

and i can conquer the  world

I need  u to hold my hands and share my dreams

Tell me baby will you will you coz 

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

all i need is ur love and arms to hold me

and i can do it

Perks of having Parkinson's

Yup u read that right....Dealing with Parkinson's or PD since the last 7 years, I have realised that they are several perks...well benefits of having PD....

Drunken Walk.... Yup... Being a Parkie enables me to do the drunken sway, or walk, or stumble as the case may be, without imbibing even a drop of alchohol... and yeah no acting either:) 

Practice running...and learning the art of trying to find a clear path... You know when people see me stumble or fall, it is their natural instinct to come and hold me to help me walk, and when I brush them  off, they are bewildered.... well another joy of PD is that once u start ur walk, u better have a clear path to where u are going... and if I have to stop because of some obstacle then I freeze and sway and have to go through the process again....this is what I do.... I pull myself up, get on my knees, pull up and run like a sprinter. only thing is instead of running i do a really mean fast shuffle....my kids and family, now know to move away and leave a clear path for me:)

Electrifying...yup seriously one needs to learn and harness some of the electricity and heat we Parkies generate...when I am shaking sometimes...I am vibrating, and feel like there are electric impulses all over my body, and yeah heat as my body is working overtime

Shaken, Stirred and Frozen? Sounds like an oxymoron, rite? and no it is not a drink, al la Bond style.... but this is an amazing feat... where your body is shaking and jittery and a mass of movemen, but still u are frozen as in unable to move... even to roll over on the bed....  and no this trick, as far as i know is not taught anywhere...thank god!

Slurred soft, raspy, fast or low voice or speech.... Hmmm have always been a talkative kinda person, and a person who loves to be the center of attention, yea, I do, anyways have done radio for the longest time and have always been complimented on my voice, so now I can add to my repertoire of talents yup can do a lot of different things with my voice..jeez I am talented:)))

Contortionist....Oh yeah  Idid learn a few tricks .... when my eyes close shut, my voice slurs, my face contorts...well this might sometime look scary....so

Heady Cocktail...am in the high/twilight zone...Thanks to the heady cocktail of .... hmm na not drinks but the wonderful mind altering drugs that I get to take, whose list of side effects run to literally reams of pages, that when I look at it, technically I shud be puking my guts out, be dizzy, etc etc etc.... which makes me wonder...hmm is it really me out there or OMG god knows...>:)

And of course the ultimate in perks BOTOX.... See as I am special I have this condition which happens to only 5 % of YOPD (Young Onset of Parkinson's Disease) people which again happens to only a very small percentage again....what is that...well it effects my eyes...yup my eyes, droop close and refuse to open, and I literally am like a blind person as I have to pull apart my eyes to see.... well thank god there is a solution....BOTOX:) yup...though several time more potent than cosmetic botox and that many times more dangerous...but yea atleast it lets me see the world as  it turns:)  So I get to go every three months for lifelong to get my eyes injected...about 10 shots per eye..and yeah I have a deal with my doc...that I will get extra shots whenever wrinkles show up on my face...Shhhhhh our secret:)

So yup, I am the lucky, chosen, talented and yup as the docs shaking their heads say am Special:)))

Please do not envy me:)) I cannot take it LOLZ:)

Grin

Pain ebbs and flows, tears roll and dry, screams echo and fade, stiffness comes and goes, suffering rolls in and rolls out, panic smothers and clears, eyes blur and clear, reach inside my soul, to find my smiles, out it comes, bubbling and effervescent, lightens my heart, as it bursts through, tickles my throat, gurgles out, grins covering my face as I realize I have lived through another bout of pain, have survived another episode and get to live another day, to see the smiles on my baby's faces, to hold their hands, to bask in their embrace and I say thank u my lord for giving me another chance to smile and grin....

Guilt...

Everpresent, searing, heartbreaking guilt, swoops on me unexpectedly, drowning me, inundating me, fear and insecurity combining to make it a potent cauldron of despair and anguish.

For me, a person who got my first paycheck in high school, from All India Radio (AIR), have vivid memories of how proud and important I felt as my dad took me to the bank to open an account in my name. The sum was for a paltry amount monetarily but priceless in value..

Then after I completed my 12th grade, I taught for a couple of months in an elementary school, before going on to undergraduate school....I remember riding my bike everyday and of coz after that experience teaching, I decided teaching was not for me...

I continued my broadcasting on All India Radio all through my junior college, degree college, and even after that...was the absolute best time of my life...

Right after my degree/undergrad...I started working...in the marketing department of a computer company, where I met my hubby, got married, then came to the US.

Within 15 days after arriving here in the US started working in a diner waiting on tables for almost two years till Anil, my hubby, who attended school full time and worked too to pay for school...Those were some interesting times....

Then followed internships in BDA PROMAX, a CBS TV station and ABC radio station....then worked for almost 10 years in corporate America...

U are wondering what does this have to do with my guilt....for a person who thrives on working outside the house, not the type t clean and dust, rather read or surf:)....

The feeeling of inadequacy, feeling like a failure on all fronts, professionally and personally, a failure in being a good mom, a good wife,a good supporter....the sheer frustration is immense.

My kids, bless their hearts, have always known me with Parkinson's...Rishu my oldest was 5 years old and Ranu was 2 when I was diagnosed with Parkinson's...

They instead of calling Ma, when they need something have gotten used to calling Baba cos they realise that my health is ifffy....there are times I am able to help them out, but most of the time, I am unable to my heart crying silent tears for my babies, thinking why shud they suffer, why shud those precious hearts not have their mom fully involved in their lives....I try my best but am betrayed by my body, my mind, my sheer fatigue, my inability to multi task as before.....

Guilt searing and cutting as I watch my husband dealing with things on his own, a time when we both shud be building our future, our lives for our family....i feel like an encumbrance, a spoke in the wheel, useless because I have always always always been working, and here I am festering, constantly living with the fear of losing my mind completely, my body betrays me already....

Guilt as I see my parents and in -laws getting old, and instead of me helping them and looking after them they put their lives on hold to come and look after me, and the family....WHy shud they go through the agony of seeing their child go through something that breaks their heart?

I realise things could have been worse....there are always things worse than what u have....I do try and shrug my guilt off, trying to live everyday as much as i can, am selfish where I am confused, conflicted and am not sure if what i am doing is the right thing or not...

But yet I stumble n fumble, grin and giggle, shake and bake, trying my best to be there as much as I can, as much as I am able to, yet I feel inadequate, guilt that damn emotion everpresent...