2011 a year of finding my inner strength...

Well it actually really started in the first week of November 2010...My life taking another topsy turvy road... Little did I realise how much power a little pill had on my life.

Parkinson's is complicated enough physically, but many people do not realise the mental and emotional turmoil that comes along with it...and to make matters worse some of the meds while they take care of the physical symptoms mess with ur emotional make up.... As there were some concerns about me having some adverse side affects from a particular drug I was having I was told to withdraw from them but trying to stop taking them, tapering off from 4 tabs a day to 3 to 2 to 1 to zero...Easy enuf, right...

Well well well...So I started off by stopping one, started going thru a whole slew of side effects, stopped taking the secnd dosage and cud barely move....my biggest problem is I have an extremely high tolerance for pain, so I will endure a lot before I even think of asking for help.  I decided to stop my meds withdrawal as I was already half way to hell, physically, emotionally.

I cud not talk, cud not move, just going to the bathroom to pee was a major endeavor....The few steps needed for me to get there which wud normally take a few seconds, now took me close to 20 mins, sweating, cussing and crawling, rolling....

I called my docs, told them, had a vacation planned...a nine day cruise and wanted to feel better for that.  Did manage to go to that, though I spent the majority of the time in the cabin or on a wheelchair.

Then got back home and was unable to sleep, restless, emotionally a mess, physically tired as hell, not sleeping during the nights, losing weight...Got in touch with my docs aand after discussion they decided that as i was not handling my meds withdrawal they wanted to do so in a controlled environment under the supervision of a team of specialists...

So I was admitted late Jan of 2011, the plan being to withdraw the dopamine agonists and supplementing with other meds...Simple enuf....only that withdrawing from these meds was similar to withdrawing from cocaine....pure hell....emotional sea saw.....was actually being closely monitored and they were worried that I wud take my life....i actually did contemplate it, but the fact that i cud not move n was so frigging drained put a crimp in my plans.

This is when I realised how much I depended on the meds and how lost i was without my meds, how very helpless, unable to even take care of even my basic needs....An extremely sobering effect that such a tiny pill can cause so much of havoc...The team of docs, the nurses were extremely supportive and empathetic and were there to help me along the way..That and my Facebook family...I had my laptop with me, excellent internet connection, and I uploaded my usual crazy updates and yup also pics for my "narcissist" album.  I cannot stress enuf how much their support along with my family and the team of specialists helped me:)

I shared my blogs and vlogs with my nurse friends and anyone else who was willing to spare time:) I had to distract myself from the fact that Icud barely walk, needed assistance to go to the bathroom, had to go through physical therapy and was given a walker to take home so I cud walk...

At the age of 43 this is not what one wants life to be...The actual hell started after I got back home..... My life seemed like a black abyss, constant thoughts of taking my life, frustrated, scared, alone, emotional see saw, no energy to talk or even think.... Oh and yea no sleep at nights, apetite gone, losing weight, extremely restless, stumbling and crawling summed up my days and nights...lived by the hours..my docs asked me how did i plan on taking my life? And I very matter of factly replied...I thot of taking a bunch of meds, after all my night stand is full of those orange pill bottles....so what stopped me? my doc asked? I said well, i am going through hell just withdrawing from one of those stupid pills, what if I take them , dont die, but have withdraawal symptoms? huh? My docs did make sure that my hubby had with him all the imp meds like sleeping pills etc with him so that I was not tempted.

I was in HELL and thought I wud never get out of it....but with my famliy's support, my will power, I am happy to say I have managed it to the point where we went on a vacation and I parasailed:))) And yes after 43 years, dared to wear a bikini:)  I was so close to giving it all up, to let go...but I am glad I hung in there....There are still lot of other health issues I need to take care off, but I can survive those....

Yes 2011 so far ahs been an interesting year, still have a few other medical stuff to take care of....one year of my life again gone...wasted..... oh well atleast I lived to crib about it:)

Where am I?

As I stand in the front of the mirror

My hands clutching the counter
As I look with growing dread
the reflection reflecting back
uncombed hair falling limply
on pale cheeks devoid of color
skin dry and taut
bleary eyes tired from lack of sleep
sunken sockets with eyes drooping with tiredness
the lips cracked dry
and pulled down in a grimace
i stare at this stranger
trying to find
glossy hair shining with life
the cheeks rosy blush of excitement
the smooth soft skin
the fire of determination in the eyes
the smile that always hovered on the lips
as i frantically peer into the mirror
looking, searching, hoping
waiting to find myself
soon

Is it attitude or plain nutso?:)

Hmmm sometimes I seriousy wonder if I have lost my marbles, hmmm not the glittery, made of glass variety, but the ones that you know, try to keep all the things together in ur head?:) Huh...Well Parkinson's atleast made me realise one thing..... what u may ask...the fact that I do have a brain duh:) Honest to god, I do....how do I know...well they injected me with a radioactive dye...so that once they had my head under this huge machine...also known as the Fdopa scan....(as I lay there I was thinking...hmm does FDopa mean a short form for "u r a f@#$%^ dope?" That made me grin, inspite of my nerves jangling away and th emachine clicked away pics of my brains or what is there of it...




I mean I know I am taking the statement "I love to have my pics taken" to the extreme eh...having full color pics of my brains jeez....worried that the secret will be out that all that is in there is a huge pile of sawdust..oops.. Well they had the instant printing kinda thing which told me in colorful detail that my "Dopamine" cells are vanishing at a rapid pace....



As I have since realised that those cells that are doing the vanishing act, which i think is pretty rude, if u ask me, I mean who gave them the permission to go away, I did not...i realised that certain paarts of my body also decided to go haywire...i mean jeez bad enuf that those cells go awol then they have the temerity to discuss with my other body parts, all without my permission, mind you, and they all decide to mess around with me...



Suddenly my legs decide do do a jitterbug dance and here I go tapping my leg, like crazy, or they decide to be lazy and decide to go numb on me and leave me literally having an intimate tete-a-tete with my carpet, which kinda helps sometimes I guess, as I found a missing button, a missing earring back, and a pill....not a fun idea crawling on my knees as my feet decide not to work...



Or when i have a nice hot cup of coffee in my hand and my hand decides to do a jerking dance...hey I am all about movement and dance:) and there goes slosh....the coffee...phew atleast it decided to do it away from my body...or the cells decide to have a one on one with my eyes and they decide to shut down...



I am telling you these brain cells once they start boycotting they take their job seriously....believe me I know...so I decided to try and outsmart them huh....after all who the heck they think they are dealing with? So if my legs do nogt work, I use my hands to crawl and get where I want, if my hands decide to then i use teh other...i guess teh problem wil arise when tehy al decide to go on strike al together....what then....well no worries, I have my thinking cap on...my mind is a racing with racy thoughts...am sure I will come up with sumthing by then..not sure if this is attitude or plain nutso....but hey it is me....love me and laugh with me or heck stay along with me for the bumpety bump ride...it promises to be an interesting one to say the very least:)))



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Marriage?

Written in 1990:)

What is marriage?
It is a dream filled with meaning
That starts coming true
Because you have someone to share life with you
It's a loved one beside you, where ever you go
Two hearts joined together
By tender gestures and wrds whispered low
It is a wonderful blending of laughter and tears
of happiness and sorrows, success and failures
A warm understanding that deepens with years
It's saying I LOVE YOU with words or a glance
It's caring, it's sharing
A life long romance:)

What is Love?

This is a poem I had written in 1990:)

Is it pure ecstasy
Or is it sheer hell?
Or is it the feeling of inevitability
As you get introduced to him....
Is it the constriction of the chest,
the parched throat, the rapid tattoo of teh ehart
Or is it the feeling of helplessness
As your eyes meet eyes, passing silent messages
the urge to touch, feel and experience
the feeling of being lost, being drowned
drawn inexorably closer to the depths
Is it the reason for sleepless nights
yearning dreams and restless days
Or is it the feeling, the desire to share
a lifetime in eternity with?
Or is it the reason for the world suddenly being a
wonderfulplace to live in, the glow on your face
that comes from the very depths
Is this love???

Love? What is it?

Hmm interestingly, till a friend pointed it out to me, I did not realise that I did not write on the biggest emotion of all LOVE!!!

So that set me thinking and here I am penning my thots as they stumble into my mind, random and heartfelt...

Love.... reams and reams have been written on it, music composed, poetry written, wars fought, songs sung, merchandising .... actually it wud not be too far off the cuff to say as far as emotions are concerned...Love leads the way...

When we think of love the first thought that our mind conjures up is warmth, tenderness, that special person in our lives, the heart thumping, hands sweating, mouth drying kind of feeling....the wistful yearning, the longingness to connect, the meshing of mind body and soul....the perfect harmony between your thoughts, that transcend into the physical realm....which finally culminates in your soul merging into one breath, one thought, one being....

It is the feeling that brings smiles to your heart, joy in your soul, and sheer ecstasy to your thoughts...It is like having someone who understands you without you even voicing your thoughts, the tenderness genuine and heartfelt, comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts, being able to connect without thinking of consequences, being sure that you are loved for what you are and not what you shud be....

There are so many other types of love that is platonic, as in a mothers love, which is universal, kids, friends and other people who come in and out of your lives...or maybe even with a materail thing, thought process or anything that moves you strongly enough...

Love is a feeling that comes from your heart, the very essence of your soul, a feeling that is intense, emotional and all encompassing...which makes you look at the world in a different light:)

Knock Knock...that is ur inner child....

Let your inner child out....Let the fun loving part of you that you  buried so deep down, that you do not even know that it exists...that one...

We let our inhibitions, fear of ridicule, or the fact that we might look silly stop us from enjoying the litle nuances of life...

When was the last time you giggled or rolled over the floor laughing?
When was the last time you danced in the rain, oblivious of getting wet?
When was the last time, you puddle jumped?
When was the last time, you sang at the top of your lungs even if u are terribly off key?
When was the last time, you put some music on and danced with gay abandon?
When was the last time, you joined your kids in whatever sports they were playing?
When was the last time, you acted silly, just because?
When was the last time, you really really sat down and savored your coffee?
When was the last time, you skipped down the street instead of walking?
When was the last time, you licked an icecream cone and did not mind messing ur shirt?
When was the last time, you skimmed a stone on a pond?
When was the last time, you jumped u and down in glee?
When was the last time, you noticed the beautiful flowers along the path u take everyday?
When was the last time, you screamed loudly at the rollercoaster?
When was the last time????

Can go on and on.....something about these simple pleasures that we forget as we grow older 'cos we are under the misconception that it is not right to enjoy and savor the little but imp things in life....

You know what tell them to go fly a kite (lol) that is fun toooo:)

Seriously folks life is short, unpredictable enjoy, let your inner child out and have a blast and if u do find somebody looking at you with disdain, pull that person in too and show them what they are missing:)