Change of Seasons

Change of seasons....

by Sutapa Kasibh on Wednesday, November 17, 2010 at 7:59pm

Mother nature is truly amazing and I am always awed by the sheer beauty and the routine and ritual that each season has... they are timeless, eternal, beautiful and so awe inspiring....

The year starts off stark, pristine white and bare waiting and preparing itself....As the bare trees tower over the barren landscape it's limbs naked of its foliage lonely and bereft, as the clouds darken, the chill deepens, the heavens open up and lets beautiful soft fat snowflakes like little cotton candy drift down from the skies a beautiful curtain of white fluffy snow as it drifts onto the trees, covering it with a blanket of white, drifting and creating a soft fluffy carpet where you can sink yourself in the cool soft white snow.... at times we have ice pelting down from the skies as it cloaks the trees and the landscape in hard glistening sheet of ice, beautifully dangerous, slick and yet when the sun shines after an ice storm, the ice glitters like crystals and again you are slack jawed at the beauty of mother nature....

Then comes Spring, where little peeks of green sprout through the frozen tundra, where the once barren trees are finally turning color showing signs of life, covered with tiny baby green leaves, bursts of color as flowers pop up dotting the landscape with various hues of colors, tiny flowers to waxy and beautiful vibrant flowers, sprouting all over, signs of life after a bleak barren winter, another on mother natures cycle of life.....

Then comes summer, a time of maturing of flowers, fruits, hot sweltering sun, lush green, wholesome fruits, trees laden with their finery, flush in their prime of life, bestowing shade and food , beautiful flowers, and hot bright sun...

Then comes the most spectacular season of all - Fall - where the leaves get ready to hibernate for the winter, blazing in their glory of red, yellows, oranges, pinks, mauve a virtual smorgasbord of vibrant and dazzling foliage as it changes colors on the tree and as it falls down creating a carpet so colorful, that no human can really capture the depth and intensity of the beauty....

I thank my lucky stars that I am able to be apart of this and experience the myriad beauty of mother nature. Truly blessed...Thank you:)

I am

As I think and ruminate about the person I am today, the foundation was laid when I was born. The lessons my brother and me learnt from our parents holding us in good stead today. The humility, respect for others, dignity of labor, empathy and compassion, belief in the supreme power, more spiritual rather than religious.

Lessons drilled into our heads through words and action, not only told but also demonstrated, absolute respect for elders, care and love to their parents, respect for another person, as we were told there is no one superior or inferior, it is through chance, opportunities etc that one person is better than the other financially or other wise.

We saw our parents take care of their parents, treat them with respect and humility. We saw our dad treat his subordinates and people working under him with equality and love. They were always invited inside our home and hearts, always made to feel welcome, loved and respected. Never looked down upon. We saw our mom treat the maid servant as her own daughter, treating her with love and respect.

What we saw was that the goodwill they shared came back to them several times over. Well loved and respected, the love was bestowed on us.

We were always encouraged to do our best, and thank you so much Ma Ba for always letting us do what we wanted as long as it was within the right boundaries… For letting us have a wonderful and well rounded childhood, for letting us explore, supporting our decisions and most of all for being a friend and a parent at the same time.

Today as we are in the stage of our lives where we are parents, I sincerely hope and pray that we give the right foundation to our kids, that we teach them the love, compassion and humility that you taught us.

I hope that I have become a good person, a person that helps, commiserates and genuinely wants to help others not because she has to but because she wants to. I want this world a happy place, brimming with laughter, health and happiness. I want to let people know how easy it is to be kind, thoughtful and generous….yes I am selfish, am stubborn, shallow sometimes….no means am I perfect…but I believe from the bottom of my heart that it is ok to have flaws, we are humans after all, let us acknowledge and embrace our nuances and work on diminishing our negatives and enhancing our positives…

Will you?

My day in the ER

Woke up to a lower back ache, which went all the way to the top up my neck and around my left side of the chest and it felt as if someone was clutching it tight. Uncomfortable, nausea, restlessness made me decide it would be better to have a doc look at it and tell me that probably it is just gas!

So my hubby drove me and we went to our PCP who quickly did an EKG. While the findings were not alarming, he insisted it would be in our best interests to go to ER and have it checked out....so off we went to the ER. Went in to the ER and the moment we said "Chest pain" we were processed immediately and had an EKG again. Then was assigned an ER room where I was connected to a machine monitoring my heart. Blood pressure taken on both arms and blood drawn and needle inserted for IV. I was termed as a "hard prick" :) which basically meant that it is difficult to find a good vein... this after already trying to find a vein in one hand where they put the needle in the vein and move it around looking for my blood...ouchie.

Then began a parade of people in the room. Male nurses, emergency doc, hospital administrator,
patient advocate....

I was not allowed to take any of my medications as it is the hospital policy. I was due to take my PD meds but could not as I had to wait for test results, was starving as I did not have my breakfast or lunch and it was almost 4 pm.... Asked if I could get fried chicken and fries:) and was told politely - ahem no but we will order u food... uh where is the menu I was tempted to ask but refrained....

Meanwhile I got a slew f other meds, aspirin, nitro under the tongue, a shot of blood thinner in my tummy which hurt, ouch - where is the extra roll of fat on my tummy when I need it:( Constant question - on a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate the pain....
So here I am closing my eyes envisioning a huge scale and trying to weigh my pain - duh seriously can you put a number to the pain - well it started from a 6 and went down to a 3 --- and I thought that was a good thing, right? was taken to the xray room and they took pics:) I love to have my pics taken but this was not what I had in mind:(

But the doctor came back gave me a serious look and said we would like to keep you overnight for observation and see a cardio --- i was like, huh? but the pain did come down.... apparently that was a concern as the pain came down after the nitro so.... more testing required...

I was fully convinced that this was a minor hiccup and I would go home but after hearing that I had to stay overnight I told the doc ... as cute as he was, I would still like to go home to my family... He said, "I cannot stop you, but if I were you I would stay back"...Damn.... I want my food I said as I did not know what else to say.

The nurse came in and asked if Iwas cold - as I was shaking, this is when I realised I already missed two doses of my PD meds.... so made sure I got one dose in to stop the shaking.

After that the shakes stopped a bit. Watched TV for sometime. After repeated requests food arrived - pasta with baked chicken, brocolli, bread, salad w/italian dressing and chilled pears. Hmm not bad I thought as I feasted myself....

They kept talking about making arrangements for me to go "upstairs" which if one was in a morbid state of mind would mean anything, huh:) They meant the top floor of the hospital, phew:) So I asked when is my private suite getting ready? I am ready to be pampered....

Again that was not meant to happen, apparently lots of people were sick, so unless I was as they said "cuckoo" i had no hopes of a private room.... I said I can do "cuckoo" .... oh well...

Then a nurse comes in saying she is from "upstairs' and had some questions to ask..... So i said ask away....she asked "Did you ever have problems with your heart? " Hmmm I said do you mean the physical or emotional heart??? Huh? she said --- oh well I assured her that all was ok,
then she made me sign a document saying that if I die it is not their fault????

Then finally made it to my room and my roommate was a 96 year old lady:))

Then once I was settled down in my room again began a parade of nurses, technicians, all with a job to do, working off my file.

Poked, prodded, tested....exhausting but in the end came back home with good news and that is what matters.

Also got a call from the hospital administrators asking if my experience with them was pleasant?

I said - considering the circumstances - it was as good, but one I would not care to repeat:)

Friends...

Friends - a meeting of minds, heart and soul, a connect, a rapport, an understanding, an instant connection, shared giggles, fall back when you need a shoulder to lay your weary head, someone who takes you for who you are and loves u unconditionally all of your goofy crazy self.

You meet so many people over the span of your lifetime... not everyone becomes your buddy, there are only a few with whom the connections is total and complete, there are some that are connected but not fully and then there are aquaintances.

You can be friends even if you have not met the person physically, or even spoken to! In the age of social networking we have a whole new way of making friends.....

Again some manage to get close to your heart and become your best buddies where they understand you and your moods and are there for you. Friends who motivate you, love you, inspire you only through their written words and love in their heart and true genuine friendship in their hearts.

A friend is someone who smiles when you do, commiserates when you are sad, tells you the truth even if u do not want to hear it, holds out a hand when you fall, through the good times and bad times will be there, will be ur rock.

This particular note is for all my friends who have enriched my lives with your love, support and motivation. I hope I am also that friend for you.

Revelations

You know when you get one of those Duh moments, where the light goes on and you think why did I not think of it before? Well I had one of those moments.

Well it is as simple and as complicated as hmmm common sense? Common sense is not as common as we think. And no that is not it.

You know we live our entire life trying to fit into this particular stereotype that either society imposes on us or self imposed and if we do not fit that role - oh oh you are in trouble.

The perfect child, the perfect spouse, the perfect parent, the perfect employee/employer, etc etc

For most of us it is like hammering a square peg into a round hole. Ouch! No wonder we are bruised...

We try very hard to find a square peg - and some of us find it but most of us don't.

Rev 1 - We are all similar yet unique in our outlook, talents, perspective etc. We all have some talent in us, some skill that in inherent and needed to complete some task small or big does not really matter, just know that what you have to give is important in the whole bigger picture.

Rev 2- We all have our opinions on how people should be, how they should react to any given situation, how they need to live their lives because let's face it we want things to be our way or...
Uh huh - wake up call... We all have our good and bad. Only if one experiences the bad can one appreciate the good and vice versa. The biggest thing that mars or destroys any relationship, no matter what kind is "Expectation" Huge ramifications. We all have it, me included, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether consciously or sub consciously we expect something in return
and it flusters us when we do not get it. I think a lot of us will find peace and happiness when we let go of "expecting" something in return and just do things because you want to and not because you have to.

Rev 3- Pride, Ego, Trust, Fear, Vulnerability, Failure all govern our lives.
Pride - We all have that some more than others. It is, intertwined, with ego and fear, failure and vulnerability. We feel that if we do give in or acknowledge our weakness that it makes you inferior...but I personally think it only helps and how? Here is my take on it:) Pride and ego just get in the way of one achieving or getting what they want. Because of those emotions, we refuse to look at the problem from all angles. We are so overwhelmed with the way people perceive us that most if not all actions are governed by that.

Most of our actions are done with the fact in our mind, consciously or sub consciously, we all hunger for appreciation, accolades, applause, compliments, motivation because that gives us the impetus, the incentive to try harder. It is innate in our psyche to be appreciated and as that should be. That is the simple reason why a compliment, a positive comment brings a smile on our face.

Such a simple yet profound revelation I had was this. All it really really takes is a genuine heartfelt compliment, comment, smile, hug, to make the other person feel special. And you know what the kicker is....making the other person happy is guaranteed to put a smile on your face, a spring in your step. Don't believe me? Try it....Compliment a total stranger, smile, hold the door open for someone, help someone who is not expecting your help, surprise someone with something special, pick up the phone and connect. It is a wonderful feeling. Truly it is.

when is it enuf?

When is it enuf? When are we going to be satisfied with what we have achieved? When are we going to find that all elusive contentment, peace and yes happiness?

What is enough really mean? Food to eat, Clothes to wear, roof over our head? Hmm maybe some designer clothes, gourmet food and a mansion, later? Oh well, not really because one's heart always yearns for more, and let's face it , that is the reason the economy exists, right? Because if we did not want the finer things in life, then we would not have had the cavair, truffles, pate to eat or Gucci, Tiffany or Hermes to wear or those huge home builders or those expensive cars!

Good old peer pressure, huh? Where would we be without that? Hmmm , complacent and happy, but that is not how it happens does it? Just when you think you have reached a particular goal and you heave a sigh of relief and look around all you see is empty spaces as the others have moved on, egged on by their own peer pressure.

Peer pressure is good as long as you rule it and it does not rule you. It keeps you on your toes and moving, but the danger lies when you let it eat at you and mope and fester. Negative feelings, thoughts and actions abound and multiplies.

God forbid if your peer is doing better than you, and you waste your time and energy in trying to find out why, instead of focusing on your goals? We always say to ourselves - Oh when I achieve this - I am going to be the most happiest person, but I guess what we do not realise that by the time we do get there time has flown and things have changed and you have to recalculate you r goals again....

Peer pressure. It is what gets us going. It gets us moving, gets us motivated, gets us frustrated , makes us unhappy with our lives. I guess it is all in the perspective and whom you compare with. If you compare with someone who has less, you feel better, if you compare with someone who has more you feel bitter. Better or Bitter it is your choice.

In closing it is within us to decide what one needs to be happy. Life teaches us that. In my case health because health is wealth. If I was healthy it would be something else:) We are forever trying to reach the topmost fruit in the tree not realising that the fruits that hang low and heavy or have fallen to the ground are the sweetest:)

Are you happy? Really happy? Seriously????

My life's path

As I was ruminating and reminiscing about why and how my fascination for media/entertainment began I realised it was always a part of me since childhood. It started off, I would say around the time I was maybe 11 years old. I had this idea of doing a variety show and so I went about gathering friends and people who would be interested.

I rounded up a few kids ..most of them younger than me and we set about planning an entire show which comprised of an introduction, singing, dancing and one act plays. Rigorous practice sessions, costume decisions, flow of the show, props for the show, venue, invitation cards, setting up the stage, allocating responsibilities and following up to make sure everything was in place. Then cajoling my mom to make tea for 50 odd invited audiences and snacks for all of us. Dad would help in setting up the stage by putting in extra lights cleaning it up helping us put up the curtain for the stage and the stage was? The terrace of coz:) And my brother the all important job of a gatekeeper.

We wanted to keep uninvited guests out:) Only those invited were allowed. We had one of the parents or someone as a chief guest and have them cut a ribbon, throw some confetti and glitter and start the show off with a bang:) Nervous anticipation, excitement, anxiousness and after everything went smoothly immense satisfaction... real heady emotions. This became a regular feature and we did it for a few years, becoming increasingly popular, audience increasing, parents recommending that I give their kids an opportunity to be a part of the cast.

We had our usual bickering, tantrums, walk outs, tempers frayed, as well as excellent team work, ideas being bantered about and most importantly loads of fun expressing our creativity and building up our confidence level. This set up the basis of production experience.

From there we moved on to a bigger stage, that of our colony/community stage with an audience of several thousand and plays ranging from one to three act plays:) I still distinctly remember the adrenaline rush as I stepped up to the mike...absolutely addictive.

Then I had just finished my tenth grade which was high school and I chanced upon an ad in the paper from All India Radio asking for talent for the English Youth channel they had. I discussed it with my dad and sent in an application. I was called in for an audition and got through it the very first time and from there on began my love affair with the electronic medium.

I continued that for several years maybe around 14 years till I got married and came to the US. One of my most cherished part of my life. It was because of that I had applied to Jamia Milia Islamia in New Delhi, the top journalism school in the country. I wanted to continue in the media stream. Not everyone could write the entrance exam. You had to be invited to write the exam.

I still remember the day that I received a telegram telling me I am eligible to write my entrance mostly because of my radio shows that I was doing. I went to Delhi to write the exam. I was told that more than 4000 people had applied out of which around 350 were called for the entrance. We were competing for 4 seats that were in the open category:) The first part of it was a four hour essay writing test, which I got through and made it to the next round in which we were shown movies and were asked to critique them. Was shortlisted from that and was among the very few who made it to the final interview stage. Was excited and nervous and got ready for the interview earnestly. While on the way to the interview got caught in a downpour and got got dripping wet:( Tried to dry off as much as possible, but when I walked into the air conditioned studio to meet the panel my teeth started chattering and I started shivering...maybe from cold or nervousness? Anyways bottom line did not make the cut. Needless to say was hearbroken, especially when I had heard that the new guy from the serial Fauji was also a student in the university. A guy called Sharukh Khan:)) Oh well!

Came back dejected, then went on to complete my Bachelors in Commerce and meanwhile continued with on air radio. Did everything except singing:) After graduating from college went on to work in the marketing department of a computer company, got married and came to US in 1993.

Got busy for the next few years settling down and assimilating, learning hard life's lessons without our family or parents to shield us:) What a shock it was to face real life and coming face to face with the ugliness, selfishness and yes also kindness and support. Was a very eye opening or should I say eye popping experience:)

Still held on to my dreams and to that effect joined a radio broadcasting course in DC. Learnt a lot about voice modulation, doing commercials etc. Again had a wonderful time going through the learning process.

Through the school I got to go to an open call for interns. This was for WUSATV 9 a CBS affiliate in Washington DC. I walked into the room full of anticipation which turned into apprehension as I saw room swarming with candidates. The fact that it was an unpaid internship did not seem to deter anyone. I was the only Asian and among a smattering of minorities:) But I did not let that frazzle me and gave it my best shot:)

Wonder of wonders I got selected and also got to intern at my top pick which was Creative and Promotions. From there I was also selected to intern at the BDA/PROMAX convention which was being held in DC that year. What a year that was! Absolute fun...

Then also went on to do internship at MIX 107.3 FM a top radio station which was part of ABC/Walt Disney.

I had the offer of jobs in both the places but could not take them up due to my visa situation:(

What a bummer. Life took over after that and went on to work in corporate America after that for about 10 years.

During that time I was also involved on a part time basis with an indie film called "Wings of Hope" directed by Raj Basu. Was involved in the entire life cycle of the film from pre, prod to post.

The bug of creativity once in your blood does not go away....

Later I discovered new media and started blogging, video blogging and podcasting....

I am a geek and a nerd and love to learn new things especially anything related to creative area.

So I made my own website, wrote the content, handled the camera, recorded, edited and uploaded. Did extensive research and learnt some cool stuff. Am a gadget freak and yeah love electronics. Seeing wires makes me happy:) I can spend hours trying to connect and reconnect wires and see the results:)

Time has flown by, Life has gone by, dreams still remain, waiting to be fulfilled for the ultimate high, the ultimate goal for which I have been in preparation my whole life....

I live, breathe and will one day achieve my dream. After all I have been working towards it my whole life without even really realising it..