Foggy Bottom?

Fog
mistymysterious
soft
fluffy
wet
enticing
embracing
blinding

stepping
encompassing
suffocating
disorienting
surrounding
stumbling
moisture
cold
shivering
thudding

Shining
seeing
joy
relief
burning
happiness
drying
excited
smiling:))
PHEW!!!!

• Wri 

The "Joys" of being a Parkie mom...

Hmm yup I said Joys... and u must be wondering....that i have truly lost all my dopamine cells...but hear me out OK.

Mr. Parkie, the jerk who jerks me around came into my life in 2004..at the age of 36, prime of my life, just when i was thinking of getting back into the workforce, from which i had taken a sabbatical for a couple of years for the birth of my second son in 2002..my oldest born in 1999.  I have always been a person who enjoyed working outside the house, cleaning and dusting was not for me, if i did have some spare time would read a book, or learn something new online:) Well I had my plans and life had its and life's plan it was.

The ride from then to now when i am writing this, August 2013, has been a roller coaster ride indeed...biggest of all the searing guilt of getting a chronic condition into my families life ( yup am the first in my family to get it) of becoming a burden.... of not being able to be a good supportive wife and mother.

Parkie has been a part of my life for so long that I have almost forgotten how i was before Parkie...When i look back on my nine years with Parkie, i sometimes wonder how i overcame the dark moments in my life...tears by the bucketful, anxiety by the boatload, fear overwhelming, guilt all encompassing, in an emotional hell hole at the mercy of the condition and the mind altering drugs i am taking me to worlds unknown, so much so, i thought i was losing my marbles...some of my problems directly related and some in directly related to Parkie.......... trying so hard to overcome the black void of depression, almost felt like a physical effort, thoughts of ending my life running rampant...almost a sense of futility, a feeling of being trapped....i think it is god's blessings and sheer willpower that makes me smile and face the world....lets hope i can continue this without falling off... 

I have always encouraged my kids to write about their feelings about Parkinson's and me and every birthday or mother's day, my kids took a printer paper, folded it in half and wrote out personalised messages, that rival any Hallmark card... and I have a collection of those sweet notes from their heart:) They are the reason that makes me get up everyday and face life with a smile:) Now as my little one gets ready to head off to middle school and my oldest getting ready to go to high school I would like to share what they wrote.

This one is written by Ranai, when he was ten, recently turned eleven:)


"Well, the way I describe Parkinsons is a disease which doesn’t express yourself to the fullest, it limits your abilities. This is what you have maa, and I know it is hard to live life. You have us though, and we will help you trough the hard times.

I really don’t like Parkinsons, especially since my maa has it. I remember on our vacation to Duck, maa was feeling bad for most of the trip. I felt so bad that maa didn’t get to enjoy the trip. As I said earlier, Parkinsons doesn’t let you live to the fullest. Maa didn’t live to the fullest on that vacation.

I’m so glad that maa doesn’t have advanced Parkinsons, or she would be shaking all the time. Some of the most famous people, such as Michael J. Fox, and Muhammad Ali, have Advanced Parkinsons. They cannot even walk straight. Even the most infamous people, like Adolf Hitler had Parkinsons. Parkinsons is not an uncommon disease, but I don’t know why it had to happen to maa.

I thank god that Parkinsons is not fatal. I would do anything to get maa out of that disease, even if it meant waling a thousand miles. She is the best mom ever, and she acts so nice and caring around me. I especially like our text conversations. Maa, I love you, and I would do anything in the world for you."

And this writtten by Rishab my 13 year old:)

"A special family member to me is my mom. She was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2004, so her life is much harder than the rest of us. It is as hard as a fish with no water. Her body can never stay in one place, she is always shaking, and sometimes she can’t even walk. However, she lives it to the fullest. She is really funny, and is always optimistic. That is what I admire about her. However, we do have to help her in parts of the day because she is shaking. This is because of the disease. This really limits her, and this is why we don’t really go on vacations that much. Life is hard, but my mom is really special to me because of the way she handles her disease. I also have to say that my dad is very special also, because despite of all the struggles we are facing as a family, he always keeps his head up and never gives up. That is why I admire my mom and dad and think they are special."

So yes, as my dad said, these two are your treasures, your pillars in life..... while i think why did they have to have a mom, like me, who cannot be fully involved in their lives, then again i think, well atleast i m here to celebrate their milestones, there are many who are not so lucky, that is when i realise the joy of being a Parkie mom:)

My Bro

 Originally written on February 19, 2012 at 9:55am

 

I remember you came into my life
a red squalling bundle
with a smooth bald head and peeling skin

Little did I know then what a gift
I was given, a lifelong friend:)

I remember you guzzling up
bottles of milk and happily
chucking the bottle away after u were done:)

I remember going together
to our school in the same bus
where you always made sure that
I had a seat to sit:)

I remember you punching someone
who dared say something nasty to me

I remember you refusing to call me DiDi
and Ma and me devise a way so u did
end up calling me Di:)

I remember countless times running around
our sofa as soon as we were alone,
playing our wn game of fun, sometimes
ending up fighting and crying:)

I remember that no matter we fought
incessantly in the house
We always were clear on one thing
No on messes with either of us otherwise:)

I remember you looking up to me
and before I even realised you grew up
and I had to look up to u:)

I remember we eating dinner on the carpet
in front of the TV as we watched the serials on TV

I remember listening to our favourite cassette
of Jagjit Singh of whom u are still a fan of:)
while we were having our dinner
we always played  that tape

I remember you going to the ashram
and staying without you for a week
and visiting you there and you
who did not eat veggies, started eating them amd doing puja every single day:))))

I remember you going away to study
Engineering and how bereft I felt
as if a very important part of me was missing

I remember you crying inconsolably
as I got married and left and then you
visiting me when I was leaving the country

I remember we hugging each other crying and hoping
we wil be together soon

It took a few years but here we are

Now as you turn 40, many things have changed
in our lives, as we go through our daily grind

But the one thing that has not changed and never will
is our love for each other, our unique bond we have
as a brother and sister and as we both know
that even if we do not meet often or say it often enough

I got ur back and you got my back:)))
We will be there for each other
That is the beauty of a sibling

I love u my dearest Bro from the very bottom of my heart:))

Love
Di

Swirl and Twirl:))

It is fun being a Parkie
especially after having
impulses going off in ur head
with electrodes n electrical

Pump up the voltage
Amp up the frequency
I wanna sizzle
not fizzle
I wanna dance
not be in a trance

So i may shake
while I bake
making what I bake
shake shake shake
but i wanna bake my cake
and yes eat it too

Pump up the voltage
Amp up the frequency
I wanna sizzle
not fizzle
I wanna dance
not be in a trance

So that I don't sneeze,
when I freeze
locked in mind and body
trying in vain
to send message
that  is ok to move
and groove

Pump up the voltage
Amp up the frequency
I wanna sizzle
not fizzle
I wanna dance
not be in a trance

simple things i wanna
do, no great shakes
oops no shakes at all
do all that i had taken
for granted
the things i wanted
simple you know

Pump up the voltage
Amp up the frequency
I wanna sizzle
not fizzle
I wanna dance
not be in a trance

Yes baby
Cmon hold my hands
while we dance the shakes
away, unfreeze my feet
twirling and swirling
singing gaily
with nary a care in the world
cmon baby hold my hands:)

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Happy Ma's day:)

Ma....such a small word but means the world. Have such wonderful childhood memories and today as a mother  of two boys, i hope i  can be even half a mother that my ma is  to me...Simple, straightforward, the most sweetest, sensitive and yes the bestest ma in the whole entire world ..that is my ma..... friendly, compassionate, empathetic and strong, she always was and is to date involved in the community where my parents live:)

I remember when I was sick, I  would hold on tight to her  and insist she stay with  me, selfishly as only a child can be,  and she even though she knew, that I was not that sick that she needed to stay with me, would do so, unselfishly putting her day on hold:) She was my go between between me and Ba, especially if I had a bad report card that needed his signature, or needed his permission to go to a school trip:) I learned early on that I could get what I wanted if I shed enuf tears and shamelessly exploited it:))

The most fav part that has continued from childhood is her feeding me:) Many a times after we came back from school or were tired  she mixes up the rice  and sabji  into the most tasty morsel in the entire world...I have been known to have eaten stuff that I detested, if Ma fed me, as I used to be so busy chatting with her,I would not notice...and yes whenever she visits me here in te US or I come home, she feeds me:))) My kids think it is very funny:))

As they say what goes around come s around..Now I am a Ma to  two wonderful boys and all I wish and hope that I can teach my kids the life's ;lessons that my parents taught me, those that has helped me live my life, the way I am today is all because of my parents:))

I love u Ma:)

Roads

Roads
We know not
from where u begin
where is your end


Roads
you are seemingly endless
yet you help us reach our destination
you show no discrimination
Old and young
rich or poor

Roads
you are a witness
to many a joy
and many a pain
you have helped
the hopefuls reach where they need to be
and carried many a wayward
to their destination

Roads
You have been drenched by the blood
of the ones wounded
You have helped begin
many a new life

Roads
You are trodden over
driven over
no one contemplating
that without you
where would we be

Roads
We know not
from where u begin
where is your end

Moonlight Sonata

as i lay on my bed
in the night
feeling the twinges of pain coming on
i looked out the window
cud see moonbeams thru
the window slats
cool, calm and so very bright

as I pondered my life
wondering what would it be
as I gazed at those lines on my carpet
as the moonbeams sneaked through
the window, illuminating
and brightening my mind that
was filled with dark thoughts

As I looked through bleary eyes
at the big fat moon that hung in the sky
as I looked at the beautiful night
awash in her brilliance

I wanted to forget
about the twinges of pain invading my body
about my toes curling
about my body stiff as board
about cramps rippling through my body
in painful twitches
as i lay on my bed frozen

I close my eyes as
I tiptoe into the moonlight
as in my thoughts I  could hear
the soft seductive strain of the
moonlight sonata, the soft music
coursing through me, permeating my
body, mind and soul
as my body swayed and whirled
in beat to the music

'cos u see in my dreams
I am in control
as I dance along with the moonbeams:))